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Precious

A child I had but didn't.

By Ashley SalgueiroPublished 6 years ago 7 min read
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I've always dreamed of being a mother, whether it was to a beautiful baby girl or a handsome little boy. I'd cherish my child more than anything in the world.

Unfortunately there are some down sides to me having children, starting with the fact that I have more male hormones in my body than female. Therefore, my hormones could reject a fetus and its development. I've also had two surgeries for ovarian tumors with cancer chances in my recent past.

Despite all of the negative aspects of the pregnancy opportunities I had I've been told my chances of having children were one in a million, until the opportunity arose.

In September, I found out I was pregnant. It was by complete accident of course; I was really happy but also extremely terrified and scared because it was unplanned.

My boyfriend was on a Labor Day weekend fishing trip when I found out the news. I knew I had to tell him as soon as possible. I blurted the news in tears to him while we were shopping at Walmart the night he came back from his trip. I could tell he was also scared and surprised because neither of us saw this coming, especially with my chances of having children being extremely odd.

Considering all that we were going through together, it was up to me on whether I was going to keep the baby or not. He was so supportive as soon as he found out which was great, it was exactly what I needed at the moment, some support. He kept repeating that it was my body and my decision to make on whether I wanted this or if I wasn't ready, no matter what my decision would be he made it clear that he would be there for me.

The next morning I received a call from my doctor saying I was nine weeks along. I stood by the window starring at the outdoors while thinking, "wow, nine weeks" as I felt my stomach. I sat down on the bed next to him as he was just waking up, I whispered "nine weeks" into his ears. He slowly woke up and rubbed my tummy asking if I thought of my decision.

I honestly had no idea what I was going to do. I was feeling scared, and terrified, thinking that this decision could make or break me or my relationship. I was also just so happy because this was something I really wanted at some point in my life. But what would happen if I went through with this pregnancy?

Later that week I had a doctor's appointment to see how the little peanut was doing. I was told some unfortunate news ,that if I decided to carry on with the pregnancy there was a high chance of me miscarrying my child by week thirteen. But if I decided to abort the fetus, my chances of ever getting pregnant again were extremely low. What would happen if I gave up on my only shot at being a mother?

Finding out that news, he still left it up to me, it was my body therefore, it was my decision on whether I decided to keep it inside or not. We decided that until that week, based on the ongoing progress of the pregnancy that we wouldn't tell either of our families or anyone the news just yet.

As we just moved up north I was finishing a job down in the city. Being able to stay with a friend for a few days, I was able to attend some doctors appointments that week and finish working.

As needed, I attended the doctors appointments to make sure our little peanut was growing while daddy was at our new home up north taking care of things for us and finding a new career for himself. I was hoping for the best for everything working out for us and our little bundle of joy. The doctors said everything was going well inside, for me to just take it easy and stress less so I didn't have to worry about a miscarriage even happening. I even heard its heart beat for the first time for a few seconds.

A couple of days went by, one morning I woke up feeling wet and found myself bleeding. I began to tare up into tears and nervously panicking. Immediately, I grabbed my keys and headed out the door to the hospital. I picked up the phone and called him, told him what was happening, I didn't want this to happen, it couldn't be. It hurt a lot, the pain was just completely ridiculous.

I found myself in emergency in the hospital, pants completely blood red. The screaming, the crying for help, wanting the pain to go away, I couldn't handle the situation. The doctors tried to calm me down, telling me everything was going to be okay, I just needed to relax until it was over.

Not too long after it was over, the doctor came in and asked me how I was doing, I wanted answers, I wanted to know why. The baby was healthy, it had a heart beat why did it just stop? He apologized and told me that my hormones rejected the growth of the fetus inside me, so it was unable to continue growing. I was just broken, torn apart, I felt like a part of me was ripped out. That was it, I miscarried my first child.

All I wanted to do was scream and cry, I have never been so upset with myself. I created something by accident that I began to fall in love with because it was growing inside of me, it became part of me and I failed to keep it growing. Something so precious was now gone and I had no idea how to come to terms with the fact that what just happened actually happened. I was hoping everything I just went through was a dream and I was going to wake up and realize none of it was real to begin with.

I called him again, letting him know it was over, our little precious peanut no longer existed in our lives. That was it, he or she, who I had hoped would soon enter the world, just gone. I had absolutely no idea on how to cope with this situation. I just lost something so special and just so precious. All I did was cry and scream, I didn't know how to calm myself down nor how to deal with how I was feeling.

I traveled back up north the following day, I came home to him in our room sitting on our bed. He asked me how I was, I said I was okay. Moments later I found myself wrapped up in his arms just crying, blurting out these words of how our precious little peanut is just gone. That was all I could say, it was gone. He told me to stop crying, held onto me and told me it was going to all be okay. It was exactly what I needed, the comfort.

This just isn't how I wanted things to be. It shouldn't have ended this way, but there were no options. What happened, happened for a reason, it wasn't meant to be and it's hard to accept that.

It's been approximately three months since this event occurred. Every day after the miscarriage I've woken up to a "why bother" mood. Every time my stomach aches or is in pain, it's weird to feel because I know there's nothing there when there once was. Looking at myself in the mirror and the only thoughts I have are "How did I manage to fail.?" I continue to blame myself for the loss of my unborn child when I shouldn't. I know it's just by nature but it's so hard to cope.

grief
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