Postpartum: Expectations and Frustrations

My name is Kristina, I had my first son, Julian, October 15th, 2017. I am twenty-two years old and experiencing life with my significant other, Shelby. To make things easier for everyone, I go by Kris, and Shelby is a male. People switch up our names people look at him and call him Kris and me, Shelby. I am a licensed massage therapist, ex-barista, and traveler (putting that last one on hold for a while).

I felt like I was pregnant and then I wasn't. My pregnancy went by really fast. What no one did prepare me for was the hardships and realities of my postpartum time line. I want to share my experience with you. I want to be real with you.

So, you've just had a baby. Congratulations! You are now the proud parent of a smaller, less-independent, very cute, seemingly drunk version of yourself mixed with someone else. It's a miracle!

On the other hand, the doctors, nurses, and basically whole entire hospital staff is just going to let you waltz out of here with a tiny human. When I gave birth to my son, I just looked between him and his father and back to the nurses. What do you mean I have to go home and do this by myself? I have no clue what the hell I'm doing.

Which brings me to my next point that no one does. You've been given a person to take care of and love and nurture. As I'm sure you know... When are you supposed to sleep, eat, drink coffee, do yoga, answer emails/texts, go to work, get drinks and appetizers at happy hour next? The answer is not "never again."

In today's society, we (as parents) are always faced with the pressure to conform to whatever offends less of the population. We have these traditions that we get no say in but it doesn't mean they are right.

We are told women's bodies are suppose to "bounce back," that stretch marks deem your skin ruined, that fathers cannot have postpartum depression too, that mothers were a size 2 before they were pregnant why can't you just put the same clothes on? Mothers and fathers have to get back to work right away because if you don't you are a drain to society. As I've come to find out myself, these are bullshit.

As a first time mother myself, I never knew how hard things would be. I am fortunate enough to stay at home with my son during the weekdays. No one told me that lack of sleep 5 nights in a row can turn you into a person who is not really sure whose shirt they are wearing or what day it is. No one told me that my first postpartum period would look and feel like a murder scene. No one told me how worthless I would feel because I couldn't work and take care of my son and basically be in two places at once. No one would tell me that my partner and I would learn how to say what needed to be done in the least amount of words. No one told me that I'm not sure when I will be comfortable having sex again, or if I ever want to have sex again.

No one told me that when my baby cries in the middle of the night I get so frustrated. I look at him and know that I could never hurt him, but my frazzled brain gets frustrated, depressed, and I break down and cry. I put my baby down and leave the room. Lack of sleep, postpartum depression, maybe something is actually wrong with me?

I felt ashamed that I felt frustrated at my own baby. I wanted to be the positive beacon in his life and someone that can keep their calm. I called my mom on the phone the next day, balling, while in Target. My son had constipation and gas issues for the past few days and nights, so he was up once every hour and it was the most frustrated I had ever been. I cried and told her my horrible feelings, how I calmed myself down and hoped that she didn't pass judgement too harshly.

I know that I love my son with my entire being. I check if he's breathing when he sleeps, I pray for him at night, I kiss his face and forehead more times in a day than I can count, I cry when he gets his foot poked at the doctor's office or they have to run some kind of test. I know in my heart that I love this child.

Mothers, fathers, or anyone who takes part of raising a small human. I want to let you know that you are not alone. I want to remove the stigma around postpartum. You don't have to get your body back right away, let yourself heal, take longer showers, take long walks, set the baby down when you get frustrated, and over all it's OK to cry.

Both parents should act as partners and pull weight when they can. When that weight is a small bundle of human, you're running on little-to-no sleep, and you've run out of diapers in the middle of the night, I am here to tell you that no one is doing better job than you. You are busting your ass to do all the things that society asks of us and you are raising a small human into a big one the biggest challenge yet. #postpartumstrong