Postpartum Depression

Let’s talk POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION. I know what you’re thinking. It’s taboo. It’s bad. No one should talk about it. Those women are crazy. But the truth is that we need to. Not everyone goes through this in its worst form. But, everyone goes though the crazy hormones of being a new mom. Whether you’re crying because you’ve been up all night, or you’re crying because you haven’t shaved your legs in a week, YOU’RE NOT ALONE. If you’re feeling a little insecure, or a lot insecure, YOU’RE NOT ALONE. If you have laundry up to your eyeballs, or your Diaper Genie won’t even shut because it’s so full, YOU’RE NOT ALONE. As a single mom living in a house with a roommate (best friend), and also works 50+ hours a week, all over the sunny state of Florida life can be CRAZY. Everyone has a postpartum story. Here’s mine...

Before I get into my personal postpartum story with you I need to cover a few things. I need to set some ground rules. Well, only one ground rule: ABSOLUTELY NO MOM SHAMING. The second thing I need to cover before getting into the postpartum juicy details is the “prepartum.” Is that a thing? Either way, I have to explain a little bit about my pregnancy and birth story. So grab a snack, get comfy. We’re going to be here for a minute.

PREGNANT?! It couldn’t be. We were being so careful. How could this happen? Everyone has their own idea in their head of what finding out they are pregnant would be like. I did, too. And this was NOT it. My boyfriend, father of my son, broke up with me a week before I found out I was pregnant. Can you imagine? Re-read that, and let it sink in. Obviously, emotions were at an all time high during the break up, but add pregnancy on top of that. I was a basket case. When I realized it had been about a month and a half since I had my last period I thought maybe it was a good idea to get a test. When it came back positive I was so scared—knowing in that moment I was setting myself up to be a single mom.

Once I texted, yes texted, the father of my child (who shall remain nameless) the details his first response was, “We still have time to fix this.” I cried so much that day. His first response to my pregnancy was abortion. Who had I been dating for the past eight months? I don’t even know this person anymore. I guess I was supposed to understand that a baby would interrupt his constant video gaming, and recluse-like behavior. He started explaining to me that he had all of these different health problems and diseases. I had several different tests done because of it. He wanted me to have an abortion so bad he would say anything to get his way. After three months of trying to determine if my son would have any quality of life with all these “diseases” he “supposedly” had I decided I was 100 percent committed to having this baby. Was I setting myself up for failure? Does every child HAVE to have a mom and dad to be happy?

Obviously, this went on throughout my whole pregnancy. He stopped talking to me for about six months of my pregnancy to “give me space.” So if you can imagine, my "finding out I was pregnant happy moment" was taken from me. Enjoying my pregnancy was taken from me. My mental health was abused. I was broken. If you’re reading this and you’re pregnant, going through something similar, or are generally unhappy ... STOP ... GET IN THE BATH ... FIND YOUR HAPPY PLACE ... LIGHT A CANDLE ... AND TRY TO NOT DWELL ON THE THINGS YOU CANNOT CHANGE. Hindsight is 20/20. Don’t let someone or something take that from you.

Are you pissed off at my ex yet? If not, just wait. We’ll get you there.

Yes, we’re still on the prepartum part of my postpartum story. Wherever you are in your journey, I’m here for you. Know that.

Where were we? Oh, everyone being pissed at my ex. Obviously, that’s not the goal. But, I know we’re going to get there if we haven’t already.

So, communication with my ex during my pregnancy was not great. I was pissed off at him. Everything he said got me fired up. Pregnancy hormones? Maybe. Legitimate? YES. Once I got established at a hospital where I found the OB/GYN of my dreams I was all set to go! All I had to do was set up payments. This is one of those hospitals where you basically pay off the birth before you give birth that way you’re not drowning in bills with a newborn. (Cool concept UNLESS you’re a single mom with a single income.) My monthly payments were up $400. That’s a car payment ... Just saying. When I found out the cost I texted my ex (let’s just call him Kerj). Did I come up with that because its JERK spelled backwards? I’ll never tell. I told Kerj that I would need him to help me with these payments. He helped create the child, the least he could do was help pay for some things?

HAHA. He was shocked I even asked. But only hesitated a little bit before agreeing to help 50/50. Of course, he questioned the cost (thought I was lying), asked for proof of a breakdown and fees, blah blah. Anyway, fast forward a couple weeks and it was time for our first payment. I texted, and called him several times to try to get confirmation on when we would meet so he could give me the money. Can you see where this is going? I’ll continue, but I’m pretty sure we all know. Right?

What if I’m not the father? Yep. He said it. He’s not the thinker, then talker type. He pretty much just says whatever enters the space between his ears. So, I was obviously upset by that. Did he just call me a cheater? I’m hormonal AF right now and he’s calling me a cheater? And a liar? And a WHORE? Okay he didn’t say all of those things directly, but I was, like I said, hormonal AF. If we weren’t at the "everyone pissed at my ex part" we are there now. Right? The DAY BEFORE I had to go in and pay. He let me know, “Who knows if I’m even the father? Why pay for a child I have no clue is mine? Why should I have to pay for YOUR healthcare? Don’t they check up on YOU at those appointments? I can’t justify spending the money on something that’s probably not mine? Even a judge would never make someone pay for prenatal check ups.”

All of those things he said went through my head on a daily basis. I will get into that more when I finally get to my postpartum depression story. I promise we’re getting there. Did he realize how bad he was hurting me? Did he care? Again, who the hell was I dating. I NEVER saw this coming from him. This caused the rest of my pregnancy to be a nightmare. I was a ball of stress, anxiety, sleep deprivation, and depression. This is NOT THE IDEAL pregnancy. Like I said, he took that from me and I let him. People can take what they want. It’s up to you whether you let them have it or not. I let him. That’s why I am here ... Trying to prevent anyone from going through this type of sh*tuation.

If you’re going to single mom it, make sure you have a SOLID support system. My family was my support. You can’t do this alone. You have to allow others to help you. I had the support from my family, but somehow felt 100 percent alone. It was just me and my (rather large) bump...

More to come on this ... Stay tuned.