Postpartum Anxiety

My anxiety.

Why did I have to be that mom? The mom who worries about EVERYTHING, and I honestly mean EVERYTHING. The one who asks questions she should know the answer to. The mom who constantly thinks of the worst and is always stressed. I’m an over-thinker. I overthink about my baby, I overthink about something that could have harmed her, but never did. I overthink that she may be hurt when she’s sitting smiling at me. I think of something that happens days ago, like a blanket was accidentally on her face for three seconds, but to me that was a long time and she’s suffocating. I will think about that all day until my head hurts, until I get tired and fall asleep. I overthink about how I set her down and how I pick her up. I think she’s too hot and then too cold. I fear SIDS and hot cars. I fear death and my baby crying. And therefore, I constantly ask “Is she OK? Do you think she’s OK? Should we go to the ER?” People laugh at me, make jokes when I ask questions. They answer rudely and or don’t answer at all. They don’t think about my feelings and how I’ve felt all day, how this question was the only thing in my mind, how I just had to ask THEM, because I trust THEM. They don’t think I try to be calm. I do. I try really hard. They look at me like I’m sick and they make me feel embarrassed for asking. They think I can stop because they tell me to chill. Maybe I shouldn’t check her temp five times a day, maybe I shouldn’t be so afraid of fevers and hypothermia. But I am. I don’t leave her alone longer than a minute because everything could change in seconds. I fear loosing her. I fear her getting hurt or damaged. The only thing that I have damaged is MYSELF. Losing my first baby was and is still hard. One of my dreams for a long time was to be a mom. When I got pregnant with Lili I was so happy. Her names had been chosen since high school! Everything I’ve ever wanted was about to come reality. When we were told Lili was positive for Turner’s syndromes, I was crushed. How could our baby be sick? How could there be anything wrong with our baby that we loved and wanted so badly? They told us there was a two percent she would survive; well, she was about to be that two percent. We were ready, ready to know everything about Turner’s syndrome, ready to know everything about her. Ready to give her the best life. Ready to make her the happiest girl on the world. I was broken when I lost her. I was alone. MY Fiancé was not there. We thought if he turned himself in while I was pregnant, he’d be out and free by the time our little one was here, we were wrong. I deliver my lifeless babygirl in a cold silent hospital room all by myself. No one held my hand through it, no one was feeling my pain. I miss her every single day, I can still smell her and feel her. That day I saw death. That day I learned the fear of someone dying—not just someone, but your own baby. I never felt the pain I did when I saw her, not yet developed but that was my baby and that pain is indescribable. I fear losing Bella the same as I did loosing Lili. It’s not something I have control of anymore, that’s one of the things that stayed with me when Lili left. But I will soon have control again, I will regain my calm state of mind. I will enjoy my beautiful baby and not be stuck on fear or being worried. Mommy will be OK my beautiful girls, mommy will be OK, and to daddy, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I did not turn out to be the mother you dreamed of. I did not do this on purpose and I'm sorry for putting you through what I have. I love you to Lili and back always. And if one day this becomes too much, please know I will be OK. I’m not sick, I’m just a mother who lost one of her children, but I will be OK.

Mommy to Lilianna and Bella Grace