Paying It Forward to Other Single Parents

My daughter was three months old when I finally decided to leave. But I was six months pregnant when I was planning to. I finished some college and was bartending, but I decided to move in with him and became pregnant. I was eight weeks pregnant and landed a job as a server. This was helpful to me; nobody else wanted to hire someone who was pregnant. I was so grateful. I still am.

This writing is in no way, shape, or form bashing or slandering my ex. And I won't go into huge detail. But, if you are a single parent, you KNOW you saw red flags in the relationship to lead you to this point. You knew, when becoming a parent, you questioned if something toxic would be acceptable to bring an innocent life into. You just knew. For me, I saw financial red flags, I noticed female coworkers or ex-girlfriends hanging around or some poor decisions on his part being made. I was told that if I left, I would never win custody because I was a server and he had a good-paying job with benefits. And my goal was not to be malicious or vindictive. I made it known that if things did not change, I would leave and our child would be with me once she was born. Choices being made made it a hazardous environment for a baby 24/7.

So, as a server, I made cash tips that I took home every day and bi-weekly paychecks. As a server, my checks bottom-out to zero dollars or they will be 40–80 dollars normally. I made deposits every day after work, so it built up. But, once every two weeks, I bought a box of diapers (any size, most stores let you exchange with a receipt). Nine months, every two weeks—that is 18 boxes of diapers by the time the baby is here, and each box is twenty dollars. I did the same thing with formula and wipes, in case I could not breastfeed. So, in total, it would be sixty-ish dollars every two weeks for necessities. And, after bills, if I had extra, I'd go to Wal-mart or JC Penney and look at the sales for baby clothes and bedding, or I'd ask close friends who had kids (that I trusted to be clean) if they had hand-me-downs I could pay them for. If I did not have the money to drop at a regular store, I got the cutest hand-me-downs. And I always pay it forward to other parents who are in need, too.

Having a good support system is one of my biggest things. While I fell out of love with my daughter's dad and held no harsh feelings, he and his family did. I rarely could get help if I asked him or his family. Nothing financial, but I asked if they could take her so I could work to provide for her. My family always stepped up so I could work. If life becomes overwhelming and you need a small break, having a good support system is always a necessity. Even if it's an hour break, ask your mom or best friend or your brother, to take the baby so you can compose yourself. You work hard to keep the baby happy and healthy. Remember: The baby needs a happy and healthy parent. Even if you don't want to leave the baby, a good talk session with someone who is understanding can have a huge impact. My best friend, my mom, and someone who was a COMPLETE STRANGER helped me through it. My ex's coworker watched me vent through social media and came into my job and left me a note, letting me know she was there, day or night. And she STILL IS. Two years later, this stranger became my best friend too, and she has been through everything I have. When I felt threatened or beat down, she helped me find my backbone and reminded me who I have watching me.

Honestly, this may make me seem like a bad and cheap parent, but when buying formula for my daughter, I researched all brands, ingredients, and fillers. I found that the $20 huge box of store brand formula was the same exact thing as the tiny $20 can of name-brand. The name-brand box was $40. I stocked up and found she got more to last a lot longer, because I did look around. Her pediatrician actually told me this before I researched it.

Getting your ducks in a row, financially and mentally, is super important. And I know, it seems impossible. It has been two years since I left, and I still find it overwhelming. But I notice, day-by-day, that being a single parent is so much easier. When I was dragged into court, they made a visiting schedule and a child support agreement. While what support I did get was nice, I couldn't depend on it, and I don't depend on it showing up. Where some parents do need it, I let it sit and build, so if there comes a time when my daughter needs school clothes or food, and I come up short, that is always there for her.

We all have different situations. We left our relationships; maybe they passed away; maybe you never told them about your child. Whatever the case may be, I know what it's like to be scared to do this on your own, to feel alone. You won't feel it right away, but you are so strong. And you can do it. I watched my mom do this by herself with no help... and I was scared I'd never be as strong as her. I asked when I would see my child between all the extra shifts I'd need to pick up. I remember her working three jobs and only seeing her when I was getting ready for bed. Tears streamed down my face knowing that hurt, knowing I didn't want my daughter to hurt or feel like she wouldn't see me.

I cried and watched her sleep some nights because I knew she would ask the same things I asked my mom, and even my dad when he contacted me again: why they split, why I wasn't a priority to him—and as often as I push her dad to see her, I cannot and will not force him to. He has his own life and I can't force him to, just like my mom never forced my dad.

I was raised to not fight and to bite my tongue. I do voice my opinions to her dad but ONLY to her dad. I will never stoop to talk negatively about him to her or in front of her. She is her own person with her own mind, thoughts, and will someday form her own opinion. If she wants to see him, she will. Though I can understand some situations are bad, always hold your hatred back. Vent to your support system, but always do your best to co-parent with the other person for the sake of your child. They don't care why you hate each other, why your relationship did not work. They might when they're older and need to watch for the same red flags in their own relationships, but, for now, they care who is showing up to baseball games and dance recitals, who is going to kiss their skinned knee when they get on that bike the first time. Who is gonna be there? And both of you should be if you can be.

But, as a completely single parent, I yearn for these things SO MUCH, and spite has made it impossible for my situation. I understand that it can be tough. It isn't for everyone.

These are some financial, emotional, and deep tips for being a single parent. I hope you find it as helpful as I did. Ladies, keep it classy. Don't hold that baby from him if he is trying his best. Some of us would kill to have an active dad in our baby's lives. Gentleman, help your kids' mom when she needs it. Even if you don't wanna hand her money, a box of diapers, formula, an hour to herself—anything helps. For all parents, be a role model. Be someone you needed when you were a kid. Be someone you want your child to look up to and be as a parent and a person someday.