Parenting for Good Mental Health in Our Children

We read so much about how our overcrowded lives, lack of sleep and stiff upper lip mentality can lead us into poor mental health. We read even more about the benefits of practices to improve our mental health. Experts have noted a worrying rise in child mental health problems in recent years. Is there a way to parent our children so that they can learn to deal with their own pressurised lives as children and into adulthood? And at the same time take care of our own mental health?

It might sound too good to be true, but there are methods we can use.

Kindness and Empathy

By being kind and empathetic to our children, we show them that they matter and their feelings have value. This helps to build their sense of self-worth.

No matter how trivial the issue may seem to adult eyes, (tears over the colour of a plate, anyone?) it is important to remember that to your child this matters a lot. In treating their concerns as valid and real we can empathise fully and help them to deal with their emotions. We are then more likely to be able to work with them to find a mutually acceptable solution.

By setting an example of kindness and empathy we can nurture this trait in our children, and see it reflected back in the future. It will also help to build on the relationship with our children.

Acknowledging Negative Emotions

Negative emotions are a normal part of human existence. Yet all too often we are tempted to try to cheer a child up, perhaps through distracting them with something else, rather than to help them acknowledge and accept their emotions. When negative emotions occur, we can help a child to begin to understand them by telling them the name of the emotion. This can make an emotion seem less overwhelming, and more of a temporary state. Simply describing the emotions, "you feel sad because Sam wouldn't share the toy with you," is enough for a young child, and as they grow older they will start to do this for themselves. Once the heightened emotions have passed, you can help your child to find a solution if appropriate, or simply support them through a difficult time. Distracting a child from a negative emotion trivialises their feelings and leaves emotions unresolved and internalised. It doesn't teach them how to address this for themselves in the future.

As an adult, we must also apply this to ourselves. In our busy lives we may feel compelled to "soldier on" through difficult times, yet we must allow ourselves the time to acknowledge our feelings, and understand them. This will help us to process negative emotions and move on with our lives in a positive way, rather than repressing our feelings.

Realistic Expectations

By honestly and realistically reanalysing our expectations, we can avoid a lot of overload in our children and simultaneously relieve the pressure on ourselves to get them to behave in a certain way (can we really expect them to sit still in a fancy restaurant for two hours?) The human brain is so complex that it takes more than two decades to reach full maturity, and therefore at any stage before this is still under development. Just as we would not expect an eight-week old baby to walk, or a 10-year-old to run a marathon, because their bodies are not well enough developed, we shouldn't expect a child to have the same reasoning skills as an adult. Realigning our expectations to suit that of the child, taking into account both age and the individual, can relieve a lot of stress for both parent and child.

Mindfulness and Attention

We are often told that our busy, multi-tasking lives take us away from enjoying the moment. Dwelling on the past, worrying about the future, and the huge amount of technology at our fingertips and pockets can take us away from giving our full attention to our children. Studies have shown that our children's attention span is shortened by our own adult inattention: by giving in to the temptation of the Smartphone at the slightest lull instead of simply being in the moment we are setting an example that we may not intend to.

Giving our full attention to a baby or child engages them in a way that no other stimulus does, and shows them that we care and that they are valued. And what better way to practise our own mindfulness exercises than by spending those few minutes engaging with our child in whatever interests them? For parents of younger children, this could be a beetle, a set of traffic lights, or a muddy puddle. Allow the pace of life to slow down whenever you can, appreciate the wonder in every aspect of the world around us, and reap the rewards for both parent and child.

Relinquishing Control

Allowing children an age-appropriate amount of responsibility and autonomy allows them to practise being independent. They will learn how to make the right choices (sometimes by making the wrong ones) and how to rectify their mistakes. As the child learns and develops, they will become better practised at decision making and reasoning.

Problem Solving

Helping your child solve to problems during playing and games will give them the practise they need for problem-solving in real life, and take some of the fear and stress away from new or difficult situations as they grow up. Keeping an open mind to tricky requests e.g. "mummy make a tractor out of an egg box" and changing our own language from "I can't" to "let's give it a go" will help both of you to approach problems with an open mind and a positive attitude, even if you have to acknowledge that you might find something difficult!

Forgiveness

Be forgiving, not only to your child, but to yourself. Accidents happen, people say things in the heat of the moment that they don't mean, or make a mistake despite the best of intentions. Forgiveness allows you to move on from anger, and benefit from a learning opportunity. It models this for your child too. Just as your child may never have encountered a certain situation before and misjudge the way to behave, you as a parent have never parented this child at this stage of their life before. Parenting is hard and so is growing up. Forgiving your child and forgiving yourself when things don't go to plan will bring inner peace and allow you to move forward.

The voice you use to your children becomes the voice they use to themselves, be kind and constructive towards them so that they learn to be too. If you find you are critical towards yourself, change the words of your inner monologue; instead of thinking "I'm rubbish, I've failed," acknowledge where things didn't go well and resolve to try again next time. This will help you to use this voice to your children too.

In Summary...

Acting with kindness and understanding teaches our children how to be kind to themselves and others. Helping a child to be aware of their emotions allows them to be aware of their own mental health, so that we can equip next generation as they grow up to deal with life. Building and practising these skills together will help the whole family to grow in good mental health. Parenting is hard; be kind and forgiving to yourself as well as your little ones.

Further Information...

For further parenting information rooted in the science of children's brain development, take a look at these parenting books to free yourself from many of the concerns and expectations of modern parenting, and simply embrace your child with all their individuality.

• Why Love Matters by Sue Gerhardt

Learn how love and affection for your baby promote the beginnings of emotional development and self esteem that lay foundations that last a lifetime. Its message is simple enough; make eye contact, smile, pick up your baby, comfort them when they cry. Gerhardt is a psychoanalytic psychotherapist and a parent, and her work is a great place to start learning about a new parenting philosophy; one centred around a child's brain development.

• The Gentle Sleep Book by Sarah Ockwell-Smith

A reassuring and practical guide to how babies and young children sleep that takes the pressure off the feeling that your little one should be sleeping for a certain length of time, and that if they aren't then you're doing something wrong. Ockwell-Smith's other work also covers topics such as discipline, potty training, and eating. She is an author of parenting and childcare books and a parent.

• The Whole-Brain Child by Dr Daniel J. Siegel and Dr Tina Payne Bryson

In a friendly, authoritative and accessible way, Payne Bryson and Siegel explain what the different parts of the brain are responsible for, how they relate to one another and link up as the brain develops. They describe how you can use this knowledge to build a child's confidence, self esteem and reasoning skills. Siegel is a neuroscientist and a parent, Payne Bryson is a parenting expert and a parent.

• How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life With Children Ages 2-7 by Joanna Faber and Julie King

A practical, sensible guide full of real-life examples and helpful insights that gives essential strategies and inspiration for dealing with the ups and downs of everyday life with children.

Julie King is a parent educator and a parent, Joanna Faber is a parenting and education expert, and a parent.