Parenting a Trans Child

I spent 15 years of my life confused, trying to squash my feelings, angry at the world for not making sense, and wanting to lock myself away constantly. I hated my life, and the worst part is I thought that was normal, so I didn't bother reaching out! When someone came out to me as transgender, I felt relieved that it seemed somebody had the same feelings as me. I didn't have a clue what to do about that, though. It probably took me about a year to fully come to terms with myself as transgender, but it took me a further four years to come out to my family, because they just did not seem as though they would be supportive.

It was little things, like refusing to acknowledge that trans people were trans, and "struggling" to use preferred names and telling me that I was a girl constantly. I never thought in a million years that I would be able to come out to them and everything would be fine. So, I'd never really built a relationship with my mother in the first place. She wanted to, I know she did, but I couldn't handle the thought that I would grow incredibly close to her and she would hate me once I came out to her. So I waited until I was moving out anyway, almost certain that the sooner I could get away the better it would be. But then I was wrong.

Telling her was terrifying, yes, but almost the first thing she said to me was "what should I do now?" She wanted to know how she was supposed to refer to me and what this meant for the future of me. She told me she only had one problem with me being transgender and that was that she was scared of me having surgery, but she emphasised that she understood I would have to do it.

Don't get me wrong, she's far from perfect and sometimes she asks inappropriate questions, but I tell her and she apologises and we move on. But this is probably the happiest I have been in all of my life. Because I had this terrifying secret inside of me and this idea in my head that, once it was out, I would be all on my own and suddenly I'm not.

Parents—if your child comes out to you as transgender, there are some things you need to realise. You need to realise how hard it was for them to do that. How many nights they sat up, saying the words over and over to themselves, maybe hoping that you'd overhear. You need to realise how this is not a choice. Why would anybody ever choose to feel like they are at battle with their body every single day of their life? Like they are destined to fail because society doesn't really believe? There is no choice in feeling like that. You need to realise that you are not losing one child and suddenly gaining another, you are simply meeting the person your child was meant to be all along. I have never been happier than I am now, mine and my mother's relationship has never been better since she accepted me for who I am.

They're not doing this to spite you, or because they hate society or want to rebel. They're doing this because having your support and your love is the most important thing in the world, and it can be the difference between total happiness and utter sadness for that child. No matter how young they are, or how out-of-the-blue it seems, take them seriously. Let them experiment. Support your child. As my mother says: It's a parent's role to love their child unconditionally. Make sure they know that you do. Because your child is still your child, whether they are a boy or a girl, and they need your love.

It's incredibly important to talk to them. I know how tempting it is to say "OK, you're trans, let's never talk about it again" and brush it under a rug somewhere, but you need to talk about it. You need to know their pronouns and their name and what course of treatment they want to go through. You need to know what to do on the days where their body feels so wrong they can't get out of bed. Learn that look on their face when they get misgendered and feel uncomfortable. Laugh about it—make jokes together and enjoy it. Just don't act like it isn't there, because your child has already been doing that for their entire life.