Overcoming the Loss of a Father

When I turned ten years old, my entire life was turned upside down. My father, Sam Botner, was murdered while on vacation with my mother in Mexico. There are several conspiracies on the actual story, but the sick truth of it all is that we will never know the truth. He was ripped from my life at ten years old.

From the start of my life, I’ve dealt with depression. My family took amazing care of me, but there was always something wrong. My parents were toxic for each other; they didn’t really give me a good example of love, only hate. Fights got physical. There was so much anger in my home, but as a child, I didn’t see that. I saw a hard-working fisherman who was family-oriented, loved his children and his wife, but never did I see what I see today. It’s really confusing as a child to go through life without a dad. It’s devastating, but you don’t completely see how much different your life is until you’ve overcome your mistakes and learned what is truly missing in your heart. By the time I was twelve, I pretty much officially moved in with my grandmother. She took me in and comforted me in my time of need, but shortly after, she was diagnosed with the big C-word—yes, cancer. She battled a tough fight, but nearly a year later, she left this earth. The day she left this earth, I realized that the only rock I had was gone. Now I’m sure you’re wondering, where the hell is this child’s mother? Well, my mother was dealing with the death of her husband, and now mother, in her own way—not bashing my mother, we’re close now, but this story can’t be told without the harsh truth that she just wasn’t there.

When you have things like my events take place in your life, you get extremely, extremely lost. I started hanging out with kids way older than me and started drinking alcohol. I colored my hair black and I became a bully to compensate my real emotions about my own life. I completely regret being a bully. It’s my one and only regret in life. There are no excuses whatsoever to ever bully another person. I will never make excuses for the things that I’ve done or said to others. Well, as the years of wonder and finding out who this depressed child was went by, I started to really feel the effect of not having a father. My dad was the breadwinner; I never went without, but when you are becoming a young woman and you’re fending for yourself, things get difficult—your clothes don’t fit anymore and you’re just trying to make do with the things you have.

As soon as I started getting interested in boys, I was always the girl who you never had to worry about her father because he was dead. I started sleeping with overaged men. In fact, I don’t think I ever slept with anyone of my own age until I was eighteen. I just didn’t care and I was addicted to having an older figure in my life. I lived every day not knowing my emotions. I was an empty piece of paper and it felt like nothing was going right in my life, and I was the writer of my story. Despite the unfortunate events that happened in my life, I still decided to become an alcoholic. I still decided to give my innocence away to people who didn’t deserve it. I was in control, I was just deciding to take the bumpier road in life. Mentally, I’m still sad and angry—angry my dad won’t get to walk me down the isle, angry he showed me exactly the opposite of how to love the person you want to marry. I have a daughter now, and he doesn’t get to be a part of her life, and for that, I still have a hard time. However, there are upsides to this; I’ve learned how to be self sufficient, I’ve learned the true necessity of having loving parents.

I overcame losing my dad. It still hurts and it always will linger in my mind, but I know how I don’t want my daughter to feel.

Always learn to forgive the people who have hurt you, not for them, but for yourself. Love the people in your life to the fullest and show your family the values you wish you had been shown growing up. Your children are an image of you. Always remember to show them that life can be beautiful, even if you’re dealt the worst hand of cards. Admire the world around you no matter where you live, because if you can find even a sliver of happiness in this world, hold on to that tightly.