Only God Knows Why

On this day, the trees were changing from that nasty greenish brown color to the beautiful autumn orangey yellow color. There were freshly carved pumpkins sitting outside the doors of the houses. The air was just warm enough for a long-sleeve shirt and jeans, but too cold for a t-shirt and shorts. In the house lingered the smell of fresh apple pie my mother made. That morning I woke up and thought it was going to be a normal day where I would be driven to school, sit through about 8 boring hours of Mrs. Walker's third grade class, then get picked up and go home. Needless to say, I was not expecting that this day, October 3rd, 2003, would be the day my whole world flipped upside down.

On the morning of October 3rd, I woke up to my mom lightly shaking me, "Honey, it's time for you to wake up for school," she said quietly.

I lay in bed looking around for a quick second and notice my mom and my little sister were already upstairs. I got up out of bed slowly and crept over and up the stairs. Once I got upstairs, my mom was just putting in Barbie Rapunzel in the DVD player. My mom got us kids breakfast and let us watch a little bit of the movie before she got us ready for school. My little sister Leann, who was a year and a half younger, and I wore purple shirts that were almost identical. Leann had soft blonde curly hair that laid flat against her back. In her eyes you could see the story of passion, love, and youth. As you looked further out, then you can see the color that lit up the sky on a clear sunny day. She was a few inches shorter than me, but she had my skinny body structure. My older sister Katlynne, who is three and a half years older than me, was wearing a purple shirt, but it was a little different than ours. Katlynne had brown wavy hair; it wasn't soft like Leann's though. Her hair felt like petting a rug right after you just vacuumed it. She was a little chubby and about five or so inches taller than I was. Katlynne wasn't like my little sister and me. Katlynne always got grounded, always was yelled at, and always got into things that she wasn't supposed to be getting into. Once we all got dressed, we were out the door, and my mom put my older sister Katlynne on the bus, then we were on our way to school.

In the car my mom was in the driver seat, my grandma in the passenger seat, Leann in the seat right behind my mom, and I was right behind my grandma.

"Hey, can you reach in the kid's bag and pull out the Game Boy and wafers and hand them to the girls?" my mother asked my grandma.

My grandma handed me the Game Boy, and Leann and I immediately started fighting over who got to play it first.

"If you guys don't learn to share, and take turns, I will take it away and no one will play it," said my mom.

We both agreed to take turns, and, of course, since I was older, I got to go first. Since I got to go first, my grandma handed Leann the wafer’s, so she could pick first what kind she wanted. But, of course, since I was the older sister, I had to start another fight about how I wanted the chocolate ones because I didn't like the strawberry ones. I immediately grabbed the chocolate ones out of her hand, but Leann acted fast as well. She grabbed them right back. I reached over where she was holding them and got them out of her hands again. That's when my mom chimed in and made the decision.

"How about you guys have one of each, so you both can be happy. Does that work?" Leann and I both nodded our heads and dealt with it.

Once we finally got to school, we all walked to the elevator on the first floor. Mom and Leann both gave me a kiss and said, "I love you," and went on down stairs while I walked to my hook. I took off my backpack and placed it on the hook. I went into my bag and grabbed out my book, folder, and my pencil bag, then hung up my jacket and walked into Mrs. Walker's third grade class. I hated going to this class. Mrs. Walker was a cranky old lady that everyone disliked. She was short and had red spikey hair, and her voice sounded like a whiney old dog that needed to go outside.

My seat was the third from the front all the way by the window. Once I go to my seat, I took out my reading log and put it on my desk; I then grabbed my book and put it back on the book shelf. While I was looking for a new book to read, I heard a weird noise. It was a high-pitched noise that just whistled in my ear. I walked over to the window to see what was outside. It was an ambulance. Immediately out of fear, I thought in my head, "Please, I hope it's not my little sister. Please God; do not let it be for my sister." I was not even sure why it would be for her, but I just had the gut feeling something was wrong.

I played the scene over and over. The one my mom tells me. As I was in my classroom looking out the window, my mom was downstairs with my sister Leann; she had just gotten to her classroom. My mom hung up my sister's backpack, and then hung up her jacket. Leann, as hyper as she always was, hopped her way into her first-grade class. My mom getting all her stuff out and putting it on Leann's desk when Leann turned to my mom and said, "Mommy, I have to go to the potty." She was jumping up and down grabbing herself.

"Okay, honey, let’s go to the bathroom," my mom quietly whispered. She grabbed Leann's hand and walked her to the girl's bathroom, and went inside the big stall in the back. After my mom pulled her pants down, and she sat on the toilet, Leann whined a little.

"Mommy, my head hurts really badly."

Leann wiped her butt, stood up, and mom pulled her pants up. But as soon as her pants were up, Leann was down. She fell lightly, like a feather falling from the sky. Mom grabbed her before she hit the ground.

Breathing with panic, my mom hollered for help. "Help. Please, someone help me. Help me please. My daughter. My daughter. My daughter is hurt. Please someone help me." She was shaking with fear as she turned to her left and gently reached up to unlock the door.

"What happened?" Mrs. Columbus came rushing in.

"She said her head hurt. I pulled her pants up. She just fell over into my arms." My mom was gasping for air and speaking in a shaky voice.

"Okay, I'll call 911," Mrs. Columbus as she pulled her phone out of her pocket and called.

"Kristie, I need you to lay her down on her back." My mom pulled Leann off her lap and onto the floor. "Now I need you to talk to the police and tell her what happened while I do CPR." At this point, my sister was lying there and not breathing. Mrs. Columbus went to Leann and started compressions. My mom watched with that blank look in here eye while she did CPR on her baby.

" How could this happen? Please, Leann come back to me," my mom screamed as the CPR progressed. "Honey, please.........Don't go........I love you......Please." Breathing heavy from crying, my mom barely got out those few words.

Finally, the Paramedics got there. They put Leann on the stretcher and pulled her out and into the ambulance. My mom held on the Leann's hand the whole way not letting go.

Upstairs in Mrs. Walker's class, I heard an announcement over the P.A. "Tiffany Tushkowski. Will you please report to the office? Tiffany, will you please report to the office."

I looked over at my friends, and they had that stupid look on their faces as if saying, "What did you do now?" I then looked over to my teacher, and she was telling me to go now. I left all my stuff on my desk and walked down to the office. When I got to the office, I saw my grandma Karen. My Grandma is a typical grandma. She is a little round old lady with a spikey hair cut, and she was about five feet and two inches. It wasn't unusual to see my grandma there because she worked at the school. But when I saw her crying. I walked over to her and said, "Grandma? What's wrong? Why are you crying?" As I turned, I could see my older sister and my other grandma siting behind her. My other grandma was a little taller than my grandma Karen. She was also not round but saggier. She has white hair down to her shoulders, and her faced looked aged from all the years of smoking. My older sister Katlynne was sitting on my grandma's lap waiting to know what to do next.

"Honey, something happened to your sister.......Don't worry sweetie......Your mom is with her in the ambulance." My grandma was crying so much that she had to take deep breaths just, so she could get those words out.

I walked over to my sister and other grandma and sat down. We waited unit my dad got to the school to go leave for the hospital. We got in my grandma Karen's minivan and drove to the hospital. I was sitting in the back, and I could see everyone. They didn't look very happy. The whole car ride to there no one talked.

Once we got to the hospital, my aunty Annie and Uncle Mel were already there. They were waiting in that space right between the first doors and the second doors, the space that occupied the coats and wheelchairs. I walked over to sit on my dad's lap. I investigated his eyes and noticed that they were really blue, a little too blue. They looked like he was crying. But he didn't cry around me, so I wasn't sure why or when he was crying.

Our family just sat there quietly for 15 minutes. But those 15 minutes felt like a life-time. Then finally, we saw my mom. My mom came into where we all were sitting.

"They called Leann's doctor in Milwaukee. Dr. Burger said to keep doing CPR. I must go back to see what is going on. I will be back as soon as I know what's going on."

My mom ran back into the room, and we all sat in silence until she came back out. She said that they were still doing CPR. She came back and forth a few more times. The timer before she came back to tell us seemed the longest. When she finally came back in for the last time, she was bawling.

"They stopped...... the CPR.... It wasn't working.....Dr. Burger....said to stop....There was no hope..... they couldn't do anymore... They tried everything...."

As soon as my mom spoke, everyone was in tears. My dad stood up, still holding me, and walked over to my grandma, and hugged her. He looked at me and told me what was going on. We all cried. This was the first time I had ever seen my dad cry.

Finally, after we slowed down on crying, my mom was taking a few people in at a time to go say goodbye. My dad and I were the last ones to go say goodbye. We walked into the room, and my mom was sitting down holding my little sister. She no longer had a shirt on but was wrapped in a colorful blanket. She was cradling her like a little baby. I walked over to her and looked down. Tears ran down my mom's cheek and sat on the tip of her chin until it was too heavy and fell off onto my sister's noise. I could feel my tears running down my cheek and doing the same as my mother's. My mom's tears were missing with my tears.

I looked at my sister one last time. Her eyes were like looking into the ocean, and I got lost at sea. When I looked down, her lips were a pale blue color, almost like the sky on a warm sunny day. The skin on her chest was cold to the touch. I grabbed her chubby little fingers and intertwined them with mine, wondering how this could happen to someone so tiny. I grabbed one of her curls that were hanging out of her pony tail. I played with it. I wrapped it around my fingertips. I examined it a little closer. It was a blonde curl. But not just any blonde curl. It was my little sister's. My little sister, the one that I kissed goodbye on the elevator before class and the one that I fought with over a wafer and stupid Game Boy. The only little sister I had. She was lying before me dead. Lifeless. No heartbeat. No breathing. Never talking again. Never laughing, or crying, or singing, or running. She was gone and gone way too early.

Lifeless. No heartbeat. No breathing. Never talking again. Never laughing, or crying, or singing, or running. She was gone and gone way to early.

I gave Leann one last kiss and walked out of the room with my dad holding my hand. We walked back to where the rest of our family was waiting. We cried some more while waiting for my mom to come back out, so we could go home.

The next few days went by in a blur except one night. That night I got ready to go to bed. I climbed in my bed that was right next to my mom’s. I rolled over to fall asleep when I heard my mom talk. "Tiff, are you awake?"

"Yeah, I am." I said, kind of shocked.

"Will you come sleep with me? Just like how your sister sleep with me?" my mom asked in a quiet, calming voice.

I got out of my bed and jumped up onto her bed. I was lying in the same spot as my sister used to. It took me a little to finally get to bed, but once I was asleep I had this weird urge to open my eyes. When I opened my eyes, I saw this shadow at the end of the bed. Once it got closer, I noticed the face. It was my sister. But why would she come and visit me?

"Tiff, I am okay. I'm in a better place now. You don't have to worry about where I am anymore. They will take good care of me. I love you." Just then I blinked my eyes, and she was gone. I rubbed them and looked again, but she wasn't there. I lay back down and fell asleep.

Looking back as an adult, I realize that you can’t take family for granted. Just because you think that they will always be there for you doesn't mean that they will. Leann was gone before I got to truly understand that meaning. If I would have known that morning that that was the last day I got to see my little sister, I wouldn't have fought with her over something so stupid. But then I remember, those are the things that make memories so great. They make the story better knowing that not everything that happens will be perfectly how you planned it to be. Having something this tragic happen to a family messes them up. It took years to finally pull it all together and stop regretting things. It’s still hard sometimes, and we mess her a lot. But having that happen changed our life for the better. It made us not take family for granted. It made us stranger as people. It made us stick up for what is right.

I got a tattoo as soon as I turned 18, and it was in memory of my sister. That tattoo explains it all. It says, "No farewell words were spoken, no time to say goodbye. You were gone before we knew it, and only god knows why."