Off and Away

In four days, he’ll be walking across the stage and entering his adult life. The incredibly tall redhead with a beard to cover his baby face will graduate college and my life, as his mom, will enter another stage. There are different stages you go through as a parent, and each one brings a mix of pride, happiness, and melancholy. When you enter the realm of motherhood, those first nights of bliss when you just stand over the crib and stare at this beautiful being that somehow you birthed into the world, you think that you have all the time in the world. Then, one day you are sitting at your computer, looking at college graduation tickets and sobbing. That baby is now a man and you are left with this emptiness that has no name.

Being a mom was never in my plan. I was never one to play with baby dolls or plan my children’s names. I never had a maternal bone in my body. No cooing over babies for me. Then, when at 21, I found myself a junior in college and pregnant to an Englishman I met in a study abroad program, I wondered, “What the hell do I do now?” Something happened inside me at that moment I got the definitive pregnancy verdict from my doctor, and to this day I don’t know what is was. It was something deep down that told me I could do this and actually, I HAD to do this.

And somewhere in those nine long months of a high-risk pregnancy that forced me to bed rest, I had a lot of time to ponder this idea of “motherhood” and the concept of being a mother. I came to terms with it and embraced this new life growing inside of me. I set out to be the best mother I could be, warts and all. I swore to my growing belly that I would do my best not to allow my mental illnesses to make me less of a mom to him. I didn’t promise perfection, but I did promise to do my best every day and to always be on my son’s side.

When the day of my labor induction came around, I was met with this fear of the unknown of childbirth and this exhilaration of meeting this being growing inside me. The one that shared late-night ice cream runs with me and listened to the Smiths on repeat. What would he look like? Would he be a redhead, like his father and I? Would he be a writer like me or a soccer player like his dad? But, my biggest question in the moments of childbirth was would he like ME?

I’ve been a mom for almost 23 years now to two sons who are now both ensconced in college. I’d like to think that both my sons would say that they love me, but sometimes I know they don’t like me. They don’t like the way I push too hard or the way I worry about them when they don’t check in for a few hours while they’re away at college. They don’t always like that I call them out on all things when they’re being assholes. They don’t like how I always asked for better from them at all times and set my expectations so high. They don’t like how I get misty-eyed when I look at them and hug them just a bit longer every time they leave. They don’t like how I force them to look at embarrassing baby photos all the time or overshare everything they do on social media. They may not always like me, but one day, when they are blessed with children of their own, perhaps they will begin to understand. Every decision I have made in my life the past 23 years has been with them in mind.

As I watch my oldest boy walk onto that stage on Saturday in his cap and gown, I will remember the little boy that was far ahead of his time since the moment he was born. I will smile for all the amazing things he’s done the last four years in college. I will feel nervous and excited for all that he has ahead of him. And I will cry a few tears for the way my time with him, as his mom, flew by far too fast. Yes, I will always be his mom, but not in the same way. His life with me will now become his life on his own.

I hope he has learned all that I wanted to teach him. How to be a good man. How to not care what other people think about your choices. How to walk to the beat of your own drummer, even if his rhythm seems off to everyone else. How to follow your passion. How to savor each moment of life with those you love, as you never know what lies in the next moment. How to be kind. How to take chances.

Of all the accomplishments he has had in his college career, the one that means the most is when other people tell me what a great kid I have. They aren’t talking about his grades or his list of academic accomplishments. They are talking about him as a man. He is one of the funniest, kindest, phenomenal people I have ever known. He thinks I say that because I’m his mom, but even if he weren’t my son, I’d want him in my life. He looks at the world through glasses that other people can’t even see. He’s on his way to changing the world, and I will sit back and just marvel at this person that somehow came, in part, from me.

I homeschooled my sons for years, and in our schoolroom, we had a Dr. Seuss poster. This quote will replay in my head all day on Saturday:

“Congratulations!Today is your day.You're off to Great Places!You're off and away!”

You’re off and away, my boy. And I’ll be here watching you every single step of the way. I’m here to pick you up when you need it. And always remember, for forever and a day, I will be your number one fan.