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Odd Wo(man) Out

What happens when a daughter grows up missing the love of her mother?

By Shanita MarshallPublished 6 years ago 5 min read
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Photo By: Jake Thacker

“A daughter is just a little girl who grows up to be your best friend.” Well, that wasn’t true for my mother and I. I always knew that my mother loved me. She did after all raise me to be the smart, beautiful, strong, and amazing woman that I am today. However, I never had a close relationship with my mother. I am my mother’s only biological daughter. But when she met my father, he had two children, a son and a daughter. When I was born, my mom wanted to make sure that I had a relationship with my older siblings no matter how far away they were. She took in my siblings and cared for them like they were her own. She was always good at that. She always looked out for people and she was always someone that people could depend on. I got that trait from her. But there were a lot of other things that I did not get from her, such as her affection and attention. She gave most of that to my sister. This made me envious of my older sister and as you can imagine, it put a strain on us growing closer. We didn’t get to be each other's best friends as sisters are supposed to be. Instead, I grew up hating her because she had my mother wrapped around her finger. Even to this day, my sister and my mother are closer than I am with either one of them. My sister and I’s relationship did get better. I started to feel like I could go to her and confide in her. My sister is the only relative that I have that I have ever told about my suicidal thoughts. Who knows if she ever told anyone but she was the only person that I was close to at that difficult point in my life.

Growing up, I remember doing things to try and hurt my sister’s feelings because I was jealous of her. When my mom finally caught on, she tried to get closer to me. But it never felt genuine to me. Or maybe it was because I made it difficult by not opening up. After a while she gave up. Something that I never expected, but she did. When I realized that we were never going to have that type of relationship, I tried to find it somewhere else. There was a woman that worked with my mom, her name was BeBe. When we became close, I started to look at her as a mother figure. But my mom didn’t let that happen. I remember spending the day with BeBe and we had the most amazing time. She let it slip that she was pregnant and that she was expecting a baby girl. I was devastated but I tried not to let it show. I just knew that my mother had something to do with this. I knew she told BeBe to tell me. After that day, I never saw BeBe again. She sent me two pictures of the baby that she named Brianna. She was gorgeous and BeBe looked happy. Once BeBe was no longer a part of my life, I never searched for someone to play a motherly role in my life again. I guess I was afraid that my mother would take that person away from me too. I couldn’t bear that.

Even though my mother and I don’t have the perfect mother-daughter relationship, growing up I was able to go to her about things that were bothering me. We have certainly gone through our rough patches but she was literally always there. But I still dealt with a lot of things alone. My first period, losing my grandfather, my first boyfriend, my first heartbreak, being molested and raped, my many breakdowns while I was away at college, and when I lost my first job. My mother didn’t really prepare me for the real world. There are things that happen in this world that a mother is supposed to prepare her daughter for and I didn’t get that. I learned about of things through experience and the experiences of my peers. I truly felt like I missed out on a lot. There are things that I probably would have never had to go through it we were close. I missed out on a lot of advice and a lot of love.

Once I dropped out of college, my mother and I fought a lot about money. I know she was disappointed in me for leaving school especially after everything that she had to do to get me into that school. I don’t think she ever understood how unhappy and haunted I was by that university. Once I became a certified nursing assistant, I wanted to work so badly. I wanted my own money and my mother did not want that. I honestly believed that she wanted me to be dependent upon her. I think she knew deep down that if I worked, I would have my own money and I would eventually leave the nest. When I called her and told her that I had got the job as a CNA at a nursing home, she wasn’t even excited for me. But it didn’t take long for her to start taking my money. They couldn’t wait for me to start paying bills. I will never understand why black families force their kids to start paying bills at an early age. I was only 20. I never got the opportunity to save money. Things got so bad between my mother and I over money that I eventually just moved out because I had enough. I couldn’t take it anymore. When I first moved out, I was very sad and I even felt a little depressed because I was now alone. I called her and I remember being silent for most of that call. There are no words for that moment. My mom has done her fair share of supporting me financially and I am extremely grateful for that. I don’t know what I would have done without her when I lost my job and my apartment. I would probably be homeless.

People show their love in many different ways. My mom definitely did and it wasn’t by hugs and saying I love you. It was by providing for me when I needed her.

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About the Creator

Shanita Marshall

Hello, my name is Shanita and I am just seeking to have my voice heard. Hope you like what you read.

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