New Mom Thoughts

Why am I so sore?!

Right after I gave birth, I can remember very few things. A lot of people were in my room and there was a lot of commotion going on. One thing I CAN remember is how freaking sore I was!! I couldn’t believe it. I felt like I had just done the toughest workout of my life. While it was going on though, I didn’t feel like I was working that hard. So crazy to think of what us mothers go through to bring these amazing little humans into the world.

My unbelieving of how sore I was continued in the six weeks to follow. I couldn’t adjust how I was sitting on the couch without crying a little bit. The hardest part?? Going to the bathroom... anyone else remember that? The feeling like you’re going to pee yourself, but it hurts so bad that you want to hold it as long as possible. It sucked. I tried everything I could to lessen my pain and soreness. What I should have known is that it takes time. Right at that time, I thought I would never feel the same again, but eventually everything got better and the soreness faded. Finally I embraced my new role as mom.

How am I supposed to keep this tiny human alive?

We are now in charge of this tiny human... now what? As new parents, we were terrified of screwing up. This little life is ours to take care of and raise to be a member of society. Everything was a new adventure and was so difficult. Granted, she slept through the night starting at two weeks old, but, since it was our first parenting experience, it was still just as difficult for us as it was for any other new parent.

My family was very supportive and helpful through everything. If I needed a nap, they held the baby so I could nap. It was great. Then, when I was alone, I felt helpless and scared. In all reality, keeping a baby alive is so simple. Eat, sleep, poop... that’s what they do. It took a while for me to get into a routine, but my husband and I are making a good team. Looking back on it, all those tasks I thought were so hard, are now second nature to me. It’s crazy to think about.

My Battle with Depression and Postpartum Depression

I began my battle with depression in high school. Since then, I have had to take steps to control it and keep it in check. For a long time my depression ruled over me. It would put me into this comatose-like state. I just wanted to sit and be quiet and be in my thoughts. They overwhelmed me. Especially my postpartum depression.

I didn’t think I would have to battle with that during my weeks of postpartum recovery. It just kind of springs up and surprises you. Mine came around three weeks postpartum, and it came with a vengeance. I wouldn’t want to leave my bedroom, I didn’t want to eat, I just wanted to be quiet and in my own destructive thoughts. The thoughts that were screaming inside my head. Those feelings of emptiness, even thought I had this precious little bundle of joy to love and care for. I just flat out didn’t want to exist... and it sucked.

I couldn’t find things to control it like I could with my regular depression. It was so different than anything I’ve experienced. I tried to take walks in the sun, change my diet, talk to friends, do anything and everything to make it better.

Nothing helped... until my husband made me tell my doctor how I was really feeling. That was my turning point. My doctor put me on an antidepressant and it has changed my life. I am feeling better than I have in so many years. It honestly was the best decision ever. I was so afraid of how I felt and what this depression was doing to me that it scared me out of talking to my doctor for a while. I finally talked to her around five weeks postpartum. I am still battling, and have bad days, but I wouldn’t go back and change anything.

Best Experience and It Just Keeps Going

Becoming a mother was the most challenging and wonderful experience of my life. My life changed so drastically. There was a lot that I had to drop and change about my life that I don’t regret at all. My daughter makes everything worth it. My postpartum experience, although it had its rough spots, was a journey I wouldn’t change for the world. That pain and sadness, along with the happiness and learning to be parents changed how I see myself and everyone around me. It gave me the hope to continue my journey of life.

My daughter, who is almost eight months now, gave me the strength to carry on. I cannot wait to see the beautiful human she grows up to be. I’m so excited because, I get a front row seat to her growing up. Every milestone, every tooth that comes in, every bump and bruise... I will be right there.