My Whole Family Is Dead - My Story

Today is a very special day. Today I reclaim my birth name, Niki, and share a few intimate stories of my life with you. I share them with vulnerability, rawness and love. As many people know, a little over 2 years ago I took on the name Jaya. Some of you know the true shift I went through during this time and how very REAL changing my name was. Some of you do not know of my name-changing journey and believed it to be "just a social media thing," but believe me, this was a choice that saved my life.

As we all are aware of, traumatic things happen in life. As we also (should) all be aware of, healing is needed post trauma. PTSD, depression, suicide, substance abuse, all of these things are VERY REAL and are just a few of the things that can follow after a traumatic life experience.

After my dad passed away suddenly 9 years ago, do you want to know what I did to heal post trauma? I started traveling. I started traveling the world, and I didn’t stop. I would travel until I literally had zero dollars, come back for a handful of months and work just do to it all over again. Traveling was a spiritual experience for me. Traveling calmed my nerves and brought me joy. Traveling was liberation from pain.

Fast forward to my mom passing away 3 years ago. When my mom passed, I went through a total and complete blackout. A human blackout. Like when all of the electricity goes out in a city, that happened to me. I had no clue where I was, who I was, what I was, why I was...I was thrown into a deep, dark hole of depression and grief and had NO clue how to navigate it. That's right when I had the inspiration to change my name. This is how I chose to heal post trauma. It was a sparkle of hope for a new day. I can't really explain how or why, but it was my saving grace. I was able to wake up in the morning and feel at least Ok for that day having this new found name.

"Jaya", what a beautiful name I thought. "But I wonder what it means..." So I hop on Google and check it out. To my surprise Jaya means "Victory" in Hindi. My body flooded with warmth and a million YES's, as I laughed out loud to the sky. Niki means "Victory" in Greek, which I had already known. "Well, this is surely meant to be, Jaya it is." And I took on Jaya with my whole being from that day forward.

Fast forward to 10 months ago, when my sister passed away suddenly. None of you know this but I did not find out she had passed until 24 hours after her time of death. Here's where the magic is though, 12 hours after her time of death (remember now, I did not know she had passed at this point) she called my name, LOUD and fucking CLEAR. "NIKI!" I heard, my sisters voice in my home around 8am before getting out of bed. "Is my sister here...?" I thought to myself. "Impossible..." Hearing her call my name like that was so profound, explaining it to you in words on a screen does not do it justice. My sister and I had not been talking the last month before she passed so I was so confused as to if she was really in my home. It was only 12 hours after that experience I get the phone call from my aunt... "Niki...honey...I have bad news..." I already knew, I just fucking knew. My sister was calling for me from the "other side." It was a miraculous discovery in the midst of a complete and utter breakdown.

It's been an amazing time embodying Jaya. It has also been the hardest 2+ years of my life incarnating as Jaya. So today, I give thanks to Jaya, for what she has taught me. SO many lessons, so much love, loss, truth, beauty, darkness, you name it. Jaya served a purpose, and for that I am eternally grateful. Spending my time traveling and changing my name to Jaya were two things that saved my life after HUGE traumatic life experiences. It’s hard to explain how, they just did.

Now, I am ready to come back home to Niki. I will NEVER forget my sister's voice calling for me that morning, ever. And plus I've always loved my name. So, if you met me as Jaya and you have a hard time, no stress. Jaya rocks and is totally a rad name that I will still hold onto like a nickname, but from here forward I walk tall as Niki again.

People ask me all the time how I do it. How I go on and live, having lost all of my family members by the age of 30. "I just do" is always my answer. Happiness is a choice, and I might as well enjoy this time while I have it. Of course I have hard moments, fuck I have hard moments daily, but to progress forward in this ever-changing reality I must believe that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be, worthy of love, joy and an amazing life.

My last words to you are, if someone you know is going through a traumatic life experience, unless they are harming themselves, you, or someone else, don't judge their choices on how they choose to heal. Healing after trauma can look like many things. If you’re curious, just ask.

I love you all.