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Hey guys, first I'd like to say thank you for reading my blogs. I have always wanted to be a writer and I'm currently working on two books. I am happily married with a beautiful two-year-old daughter. Also, I am a stay-at-home mom and wife. I haven't worked since the middle of my pregnancy. I am an Atheist as of one year ago and I love to cook as well. That's just a little about me as a person, now lets get to my life...
Growing up, I was the daughter of an extremely strict preacher and a bipolar, manipulative, narcissist, controlling, pathological liar. As an only child I definitely got all the heat and anger. My mother was also extremely abusive, both mentally and physically. I remember even at only four years old, she thought I did something that my dad did as a joke and she hit me so hard I fell backwards and hit my head on the oil heater behind me.
My mom had a miscarriage when I was twelve that really took a toll on me mentally. I have always dealt with depression and anxiety. At the church we went to I was mistreated, left out, lied on, and so many other things I can name. One thing that bothered me so much was that if you didn't do every single thing the pastor said, they would tell you that you would burn in hell for eternity. Depression was worse because I couldn't be myself.
I was forced to wear certain clothes and shoes, I wasn't allowed to cut or fix my hair, I also couldn't wear makeup or anything like that. I always got stared at when we would go into town and places because I was different. I hated it so much. I would hide pants in my room and sneak to wear them every chance I got. Don't get me wrong, there were good days, but those were the days I spent with my dad's side of the family. I was very close with them.
When I was fifteen I was sexually assaulted and molested. I told a friend of mine in the church that we went to and he went to my father. I could hear through the wall my father telling my mother everything that had happened. Next thing I knew my mother stormed into my bedroom, slamming the door open and charging over to me. I was expecting her to come hug me or ask me if I was okay... boy was I WRONG. She slapped me across the face as hard as she could and called me a whore.
I was broken, I wasn't allowed to tell anyone or I would get into even more trouble. They took my cell phone away, didn't let me see my family, and told me that it was my fault. I felt guilty and broken. I didn't understand why it was my fault, but I just knew it was. I hated myself and I hated my parents. I tried to have him thrown in jail for the things he did to me, but my father said no. He said that god would take care of him, it's not our job to do the lord's work. Update: To this day, he is a horrible man. He disowned his only son just to please his new wife and her two teenage daughters. I bet you anything he has messed with them too.
Growing up in a strict house not being able to go to school, get a job, have my license, I could go on all day, but I won't bore you with rules. It was so hard for me when I finally got out into the world. I had no idea what I was doing and I was lost. You might as well have thrown raw meat to a bear. I was raped of my innocence at eighteen, I was drunk, and I passed out... He came in when I was passed out and managed to rape me. I again blamed myself. I stayed friends with him because I thought it was my fault.
Until about a year ago I carried around so much guilt about my past and I was so afraid of every step I took in life. Afraid that I'd hurt someone's feelings. Thankfully last year, I actually "grew a pair." I finally realized that it's not my fault, I don't have to feel guilty. I'm not going to hell because I let my innocence be torn away. I am happier than I have ever been and I am doing better in life than I ever have.
I only told you a piece of my story. I'm sure more will come out later. I just want someone who is hurting or maybe going through what I did to know that IT IS OKAY! You do have someone who understands, you are not alone. I hope that you realize your worth and know that no matter what you can make it through. If you've read this far I just want to say thank you. This story is very emotional to me, but if I only help one person it was worth it. Much Love!