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I don't ever know how to start these posts, but here I go. I started this new, crazy life as a single mother to a four year old son and I am having another boy due the end of January or early February. This pregnancy has been so different compared to my first son. My first son, I had his father, my ex- husband now, and had all the support in the world from a lot of my friends and my family. However, with this pregnancy, I don't have a father figure for my son; he left when I was 23 weeks pregnant. That is when I had to figure out at that point in time that I didn't need a man to help me with this baby. Then, a couple weeks after he left, I was told my normal pregnancy wasn't so normal after all. At 25 weeks, I was classified as a high-risk pregnancy due to my unborn son having developed a C-PAM or a Congenital Pulmonary Airway Malformation. Okay, for those that aren't medical professionals like myself, it is described as a benign lung lesion.
Anyways, that is not how I actually started out being a single mother. It started this time last year when I told my now ex-husband that I was no longer happy and sick of the fact he was heavily drinking every night. I fell out of love with him and I know for a fact it was because both of us were so young when we got married. I was 20 and he was 25 years old when we got married. We were married for almost five years. For me, that was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I had to rebuild my son and his day-to-day routine, but I also had to rebuild myself as a person and most of all, a mother. It took me some time to get used to the fact that I would have to share custody with him and on the days that I didn't have my son I would be in a state of depression. A couple months or so later, I got better and decided to be open to the fact that I can date now. That is when I met the father of my unborn son. We were friends for a couple years and when he heard I was single, he decided to take the chance and we dated for a little bit before we got pregnant. When I found out I was pregnant, I didn't know what to do. I was lost in so many emotions. Not only was I happy that I was going to bring another child into the world, but I was also feeling scared and nervous. That was because of the fact the father was another man and I was scared that is baby, this beautiful child of mine, wasn't going to be accepted and loved like his brother. I am not one that uses "half" or other different terms to describe siblings. My oldest son is going to be a brother, doesn't matter if he is only half related to his baby brother... he will still be his big brother.
That relationship was going great, I was getting ready to move in with this guy and I was promised a family from him. Then, all of a sudden, I got to thinking that we would have his roommate living with us, and that was something that I wasn't comfortable with. So, after many arguments on this issue, I gave him the choice to choose the roommate or the family that he was going to be having soon. My oldest boy thought the world of him and loved him like another role model. I gave him the ultimatum that if he walked away from us, then we were done. He decided to walk away... leaving behind a woman who loved him and a little boy who loved him. I didn't get to make this choice, it was practically given to me, especially when he decided to not work on us, but the easiest thing was to walk away from it all. He scared my son so badly that he had nightmares for weeks on end and I didn't sleep or eat right after that. After a week, I picked myself up and moved my son and I to a town closer to my parents. They have been my biggest rocks since all of this took place. To help me feel better and not so depressed, I started a blog helping me vent and so that I don't bottle everything up.
I am doing so much better, though. I went back to work for a few months and just started leave so I can prepare the last minute things before my beautiful baby boy arrives. The blog is helping me, I have my friends, and most of all, I have my family to help me with my boys. I can say that it truly does take two people to make a baby... but it takes a village to raise a baby. But I can say that I also found my person. I found him and I wasn't even looking at the point in time. I was just working on myself and who I wanted to be for my sons and he just walked into my life and he treats me so well and loves the fact that I am a mother first thing. He knows that he has to work for my time and that is only on the weekends, and we talk every night when he gets home from work. My oldest boy loves him so much. I can see myself with him for a long term, committed relationship down the road. But I am taking it slow and letting the wall that I had to rebuild slowly to come down. One thing that I love about this man is when I am feeling down, he always says something to bring me up from the pit of negativity... lately I have been told "no" to getting help for my sons and myself because of technicalities in the last few months.
Over the last few months I have learned how strong of a woman that I really am. I have learned also to forgive and to forget. I have learned to love the person I don't want to love because of what they did to hurt my boys and myself. I have learned to let it go and move on and love myself... because I am enough for myself... and I am enough for my boys and all of my family and friends. I get a lot of people that I know tell me that I am one of the strongest women that they have ever known. There are times that I don't feel so strong, but weak, and I know that I have a way to go to make it further into this life of mine being a new single mother.