My Nan Died Today

My Nan died today. I’ve felt this pain three times before. The agony, loneliness, denial, anger, the guilt of the things you wish you had done & then the thought of how you’re going to comfort your parent.

I may have been here three times already but every time is different. It’s fresh, raw, and it’s even harder to know how to deal with it. How do you comfort a parent who has just lost their parent?

“I’m sorry” tends to be the first thing that comes to mind. Like, how is that going to make anyone feel better? But I am forever sorry for the pain they now feel. I’d do anything to make it better.

I stop and say to myself that no matter what you say, it won’t change anything and you’ve just got to be there for them.

I’m also grieving, too — selfish to say, I know, but it isn’t. I assure you, family is family no matter what name you’ve given each other. Nan, Grandad, Grandma, Nanny, Granda, Granny, Mummy, Daddy, Dad, Mom, Papa, Pops, Brother, Sister, etc.… Depending on your relationship with them, of course. Most people generally have an okay relationship with their family. Some even have great relationships, which shocks me. I guess because my family are not close at all, I prefer it that way. There's less drama and with my BPD, relationships aren’t great anyway.

I’ve always said that you don’t have to be blood to be family. You must earn that title. Very much like Supernatural (the TV show, which I hold close to me), they show that the hunting family that supports/helps them, are their family. They’d all take a bullet for each other, run into darkness to save each other, summon demons, and sell their souls for anyone they love. Not that we can sell our souls or anything but, acknowledging it’s a TV show, I still admire the love and courage that they brought to life on screen.

I only wish my family had this kind of love for one another. When my grandad died 12 years ago, it tore my family apart. We no longer had family outings, going around to his house was a distant memory, and laughing with each other was literally a joke. Most of my family no longer acknowledge one another.

I’m worried this will happen over again. With my Nan being gone, do any of my aunts including my Mum have any reason to speak? All they ever spoke about was her. Now what will they do? I guess there’s hope their grief will bring them together, but I feel like I’m kidding myself saying that.

The grief I’m feeling at this very moment is making me feel sick, numb. My gag reflex isn’t great. My nerves and anxiety all feel like they're working overtime. I’m not sure I want to cry or run away from this feeling. I hate being 25 and having four grandparents pass. I thought I would have been older.

I attempted to take my own life when my first grandad died. I felt like I was drowning and yet I was in shock from being attacked two weeks before. I know I mention my attack often but it’s one of the very things that made me. It made how I coped with grief, pain, shock, and thanks to that moment, I either implode or explode. I really wish people didn’t say this was normal because this is normally how I feel about bad news or things that will impact my life greatly.

Nothing could be better than taking the pain away from my mum but I can’t do that. I must let her grieve in her own way and find a process that’s going to work for her.

The day we were told she had 24 hours to live was December 4. We rushed to the hospital and told her we loved her. I can’t express how seeing her struggling to breathe will always stay with me. I never wanted to see someone I love go through this, yet there I was, wondering if I should leave, cry, or remain strong for my Mum. Why now? Why did I have to say goodbye? Why wouldn’t she wake up? I held her hand and hoped she wasn’t in any pain.

On December 5 at 2:10 AM, my Mum's birthday, we lost her. She went quietly in the night. The nurse said she probably waited for us all to leave so she could go alone.

That evening, I cried so loud that I made our dog bark. It felt selfish because it was my Mum's mum. What right did I have to cry? We all grieve in our own way and that’s okay.

We’ll soon attend a funeral and I’m sure my family will cry a lot — well some of us. I hope this will be the most beautiful day possible, not just for my Nan but for my Mum. Most pain is hidden inside and we as humans need to remember that the surface of humans is a mask. Hopefully, masks will come off in this time of our lives.

The last words my Nan said to me were “I love you” and those will forever be the words that I needed.