My Life as Momma

This whole blog thing is definitely new to me. I have noticed I find myself questioning what to write about all the time. I question myself about why I wanted to do this in the first place or if I even made the right decision in beginning it. If you haven’t already caught on I question myself a lot… about pretty much everything. I lack confidence in myself in all areas of my life except about being a mom. I have known I was meant to be a mom since I was a very young girl. It’s all I could dream about. Of course, I had other dreams that every little kid has like being a lawyer or a doctor or a famous singer. But, I knew I would be a mom and I would be a damn good one. At least in my opinion.

So, why did I start this? I think I started this mostly to get all my worries, thoughts and stresses out of my head and onto something I could eventually reflect on later. I never intended to post anything, but then the more I thought about it the more I wanted to share this in case there were other women out there who needed to hear what I had to say or hear my story and realize that things aren’t always bad and that they can make it through anything.

I have been on a rough ride with stops of fun and happiness along the way. Some people say they go through “rough patches”—well we go through “easy/happy patches.” This might be a very negative way to look at it but it keeps me looking forward to the happy times even more and not taking them for granted, even though I still sometimes catch myself doing just that. I try my hardest to stay a positive person no matter what life throws at me. I will admit that this gets very hard to do on occasion. Trying to figure out the right path to take is never easy because of how much questioning I do. I wish I had a better handle on my confidence but there are things that have happened in my life that have caused me to second guess myself often. I’m slowly crossing that bridge taking it one step at a time.

Layla makes it so much easier most of the time. I say most of the time because there are moments where she just doesn't cooperate, but I have to remember she is only 3! She is such a sweet, caring, and smart little girl. I am so lucky to have her as my daughter. She is my little miracle baby. A lot of people followed every post about her on facebook whether it was through my moms or mine so you may know the majority of the story. She was born at 30 weeks, weighing only one pound, 12 ounces, and 12 inches long. Everything happened so fast the day she was born and I still carry a lot of anxiety about it even now, almost 4 years later.

I had woken up at about 3 AM Sunday in major pain. I could hardly breath or move because of it. Patrick took me to the hospital where I ended up being admitted. My mom came to stay with me while he went back home to get as much sleep as he could before he had work in the morning. They eventually told me there was some protein in my urine and my liver enzymes were slightly elevated they hooked me up to all kinds of things and later that day they told us they would be moving me to Tulsa in case she came early because they didn’t have the resources to take care of a baby that early.

We called Patrick then to let him know what was going on and he left work and rode in the ambulance with me to Tulsa. The rest of my family followed. We got there and got in our room and it was pretty much a waiting game for a bit. We got an ultrasound to determine how big she was and about when we should expect her. The doctor told us Tuesday or Wednesday would be a good estimate of when we would have to take her. Getting that news was extremely stressful because we wanted her to stay in as long as possible. Still just waiting though at this point, so that evening my family decided to go home and gather things we may need, sleep, and be back by noon on Monday. Well, while they were all gone early Monday morning we lost her heartbeat and couldn’t recover it. All I saw was a flash of nurses all over the place waking me up from a dead sleep and calling for doctors and rushing me off to take her. I was so scared. I didn’t even have time to process what was about to happen. They put me fully under and everything was just blank and black until I woke up a few hours later and everyone was back. Except my baby. My baby was no longer with me. That’s all I could think about was that she was gone. They had her in the NICU and I didn't get to see her for three days. Talk about depressing. Here I had been carrying this baby for six-and-a-half months and then she’s gone. All I got to see of her was what I got to see on a black and white screen. Which in the moment you may find heartbreaking, but I’m certain it gave me the strength to make it through the day. I slept with it on her so I felt like I was close. I focused from that point on on pumping and getting better so I could go see her.

When the day came to see her I was more than ready and extremely emotional. The nurses coached me on how to touch her what would be best for her. Her little foot was only about an inch long if that! She was the tiniest thing I have ever laid eyes on.

Here we are though, almost four years later and she the most amazing little girl anyone could ask for. She’s been really excited about her brother on the way, as am I, but I can’t help from being nervous because we hit 30 weeks pregnant just this past Tuesday the 14th. I admit tons of things are different from my pregnancy with Layla, but the worry is still there and the stress and anxiety as well. I do try to take it day by day, which I think helps. Talking about it helps, too. Getting it out of my head and onto something I can see makes it easier to cope with. I guess, this is why I’m doing it! This is what I need to help me and keep myself sane because we all know how easy it is for life to try to take us down.