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It’s 5 AM and I’m wide awake with so much on my mind. I woke up at 3:30... after drinking water and using the restroom, I laid back down expecting sleep to come but instead I was given the desire to write. I want to open up my heart. In order to do that I must first listen and then follow my omens. I must write letters to apologize and also share what lies deepest in my heart. ❤️
I must write to Adam, for he is the father of my child and currently the person I am around the most. I have allowed him to cause me so much pain. But there must be a change, or I must go. Rene is next on my mind. I need to apologize and share with him what I am learning. Through losing my grandfather (my main father figure) the severe illness of my uncle (second father figure) and how habitual patterns dating since childhood have shaped me into who I am today. Next, I will write Cody because there are so many things I didn’t say and for that, I must apologize. And my dear sister, I have shut her out for some time because I didn’t want her (or anyone) to feel my pain. 💜
Through losing my grandfather (my main father figure) the severe illness of my uncle (second father figure) I am learning how habitual patterns dating since childhood have shaped me into who I am today. I have a choice to continue them mindlessly or to recognize and adjust them. I want to be positively intentional about the way I live.
Now is a time for healing and restoration that only God can help me through. So I will continue to pray, lean on him and follow the guidance that only He provides. I am ready to change, face any and all challenges and grow into the best version of myself. When pain overwhelmed me in the past I would shut off. During the difficult times with my parents growing up, I learned to make up stories. Beautifully crafted so no one could see the painful truth or know the real thoughts in my head. It worked like magic to protect me from being vulnerable to those around me. There have been so many times where I felt powerless and wounded. I despise those feelings! As a person, I love to find solutions, fix things and right any wrongs I come across. Love is the biggest healer of all. Through this time of losing Gondy (Grandpa) I have felt so much love around me in a beautiful way. It has healed my broken heart and empowered me to live in a new way. Certain pain must be endured, but not unnecessary torment from situations within my power to change.
The way I see it now it seems that God was challenging me beyond my own ability to cope so I would come to know I needed Him. I have tried to be loving and kind all my life (in my own capacity) yet it is never enough... I have been a light to many but my own heart has been broken. 💔 At some point, you learn that if you cannot love and heal yourself you will not be good for much else. I run out of coping skills (despite my large arsenal). I need Jesus to support me, lift me up and inspire me to do His will.
I used to think the key to being strong was showing no weakness. So I held back tears and built walls to protect my tender heart. I have a brave face, I fool them all! Until I no longer can hold myself up and then the waves come. Like the ocean the waves come in groups, hitting me one after another until I’m drowning. I flail reaching for the air above me, getting just enough to keep swimming. Nothing I do is enough to get me out of this current for it’s stronger than I am. I survive the storm and the waves subside enough for me to find dry land. Then I walk slowly along the shoreline pondering how I made it out so far and attempting to plan so this will never happen again.
I went out deeper to save someone...
Someone I loved dearly who needed help. I took on their pain (the waves) until I was swept away by the current. They loved me in return (in their own capacity) but their pain is not mine to carry. The weight is too much for one person to carry (no matter how strong). God has given me incredible strength and I thank him for that. May I learn to lean on Him and not myself, for I am only human.
9 April 2019 💛🧡 05:42 hours.