My Everything

My Dearest Chandler,

I carried you for nine months and as time went on I continued carrying you in my arms and my heart. You are at the tender age of two now and we have been separated since December 9, 2018. My sweet little boy, mommy made a difficult decision to change your future for the better. The relationship was toxic between your dad and me, and you witnessed most of it. Neither of us is perfect and we both failed you for that to carry on. Things were said that made me fearful of taking you with me, so that night, I kissed you on the cheek, with tears streaming down my face I walked out.

I didn't want to leave, especially like, that but I knew if I stayed and allowed things to continue, it would have affected you. I ran out of options. I tried talking to your dad about all of it and nothing came of it. What was mommy to do? Try and take you only for you to be turned into a rag doll with your parents fighting over you? Was I to stay and let you see mommy hurt and try to kiss away the pain? Was I suppose to fight and take you with me no matter how violent it got?

No, baby boy, none of those were safe for you. Mommy did what she thought was best and that was separating us so the fighting would stop and we could safely return to each other's arms. Only a few people understand how hard this was and how it was the right decision. I will always love your dad and I never wanted to get him in trouble for any of the times he has hurt me. All I ever wanted was for your daddy to get help and to be happy. Since that night, everything changed for your dad and he is finally the daddy he should be to you. He is more involved with you and more in love with you than ever. You two now have a great bond.

I know I have hurt your daddy and it seems like I am being mean to him, but mommy is only trying to get him the help he needs and for him to want a change. Baby boy, I have cried myself to sleep wanting you to be in my arms and we have had visits, but visits aren't enough. I don't feel like I'm your mom anymore, only when I am with you. We got to do a supervised visit and my heart melted because we hadn't seen each other in two weeks. You gave me the sweetest kiss and a big hug. After playing so long I held you then you slapped me, pulled my hair, and tried breaking toys. I broke inside because I know you're hurting and you can't tell me that. I am supposed to make things better for you and that is what I am doing for you but it also hurts us.

You knew that it was time to leave because you gave me more kisses, squeezed me tighter, laid your head on my shoulder content and happy. They said its time to give him back and I didn't want to give you up but I had to and you began crying, clinging to me begging mommy to let you stay. The hurt inside you, the tears down your cheeks, and those little hands reaching for me shattered me because I just wanted to hold you and say, "It's okay, mommy has you."

My little man, be patient, mommy is trying to make this better for us and to stop all the hurt. One day, these hard days will be behind us. I look forward to our days together again, your cuddles, sweet kisses, fixing brownies with you, reading your storybooks, bath time, play time, and the memories we will continue to make. My little man, I wish you could have mommy and daddy but we both need to fix ourselves. Sometimes things just don't work the way we want them to but hopefully, your dad and I can be good friends to bring you happiness from that.

Mommy misses you and I love you so much. It is okay for you to cry and to hurt, mommy will stay strong for the both of us. For now, be happy as much as you can because I love my baby boy's smile.