My Coming Out Story

At ages 13-14 I had known for a while I was pan-sexual. I knew I could and had felt feelings towards both genders and it didn't bother me, but I knew it would bother my family.

One of the only memories I have of when I was younger is the reason for this fear. My mother and father were both being very public about their hate for gays in the living room. At the time I didn't know what it was; I mean I didn't even know what sex was. Did I mention I was very young?

I remember vividly my older sister being really upset. My sister was my role-model and I had learnt to read her really well. My parents hadn't noticed but I knew something was wrong. So when she left the room I followed. She went to her stereo and started to look through CDs while I climbed up on the top bunk of our bed.

Waiting for her to turn around, I'll never forget what she said, "There's nothing wrong with liking the same sex."

It was a simple sentence but it has stuck with me all these years. If it wasn't for that one moment then I'm sure I would have much more of a problem with my sexuality today. A problem that I might not have been able to work through.

When I was 14 I packed a bag and was ready to leave if my parents ever found out about my sexuality. I was certain they would kick me out.

For years, I kept it hidden but mostly because it wasn't a topic that ever came up.

Then, one day I couldn't hide it anymore. I had to tell someone but I was scared, but I had the internet in my hands. I did what I bet millions of other teenagers have done. I sent a video to explain. I sent the "Coming Out Song" (video above). I admit now it wasn't the best way to do it, but my feelings had taken control of me. About an hour later, my mom came into my room.

She started with, "Did you mean to send me what you sent me?"

I nodded and she told me to scoot over in my bed. She asked me what made me think that. I explained and she told me she would love me unconditionally no matter what, but she wanted me to wait until I left her house.

I wasn't as heartbroken until I realized why she wanted me to wait. It was easier to disown me when I was already out of the house. She wanted me to wait so when I had decided I wasn't changing she didn't have to deal with the embarrassment.

As I got older I knew I couldn't wait. I had feelings for a girl. A girl who was my everything for the longest time. We started dating and she always sat with me on the bus.

There was a blonde headed girl that always spied on us. My girlfriend and I didn't care, we cared for each other and that's all that mattered.

Two months later the news had gotten to my mother. She came home, dragged me to my room, and yelled at me. She yelled at me for hours, telling me I was crazy, an embarrassment, and explained to me how I was going to be raped because of my "choice."

This broke me. As a girl who had already been sexually assaulted I couldn't handle the rape comment along with everything else. I was already severely depressed so I didn't leave the bathroom and my room for hours. On the bathroom floor, I cut. I slid the razor over my legs again and again and again. I wanted my skin gone. I wanted the feeling of guilt and uselessness gone. I wanted everything done with.

To top it all off I felt terrible for breaking my girlfriend's heart. I had to send a message to her and explain to her what happened. I broke up with her over Twitter.

I could hardly move the next day at school and seeing her made it hurt ten times worse.

I was obedient though. It hasn't made me think differently about who I am though. I'm still pan-sexual and if I could take that moment back and redo it, then I would fight.

My mom still makes her opinions about gay people known but it doesn't stop me. I haven't discussed it with her further but one day I will. To be honest, if I have too, I have no problem leaving them behind. She built a barrier between us and she has to help break it.

No one is stopping me from being me. Next time I'll fight.