My Bad Dream

It's been two years since you lost your battle to cancer daddy. It still doesn't feel real that you're gone. Gone for good. You may be here spiritually, but that's not the same. Life isn't the same without you.

Life feels like a struggle some days. I know you're no longer in pain, but I still am. I miss you every day, hour, minute, and second that goes by. I wish you could be sitting next me on my bed telling me every struggle has its positive. I wish you could love your grandson.

I want you here dad, I need you here. We need you here. Its not easy, but we do it. We love you from a far. We still talk to you, but still not the same. You have no way of replying to us. When my days are tough its hard to stay strong because the one person I want to speak to, is you dad.

Growing up, I came to you for everything. I would tell you everything that happened each day. Who knows if you were listening to my high school drama or the drama I had going on sometimes with the man I fell in love with.

I know you're watching down on all of us, its just not the same. The family still has fun, but you're physically missing it. I would kill to heat your laugh one more time, hear you pick on me, hear you pick on your niece. I would kill to hear you "I love you's" one more time. I would kill to feel your hugs again daddy. I still haven't processed you being gone, because it feels like a bad dream.

No one understands how I truly feel. I never got to say goodbye to you on your last day alive. The last thing I said to you was, "I will see you tomorrow daddy. I love you." I never got to see you tomorrow. Yes, I did see you, but it was just your cold body, no longer in pain anymore. I never wanted you to go. I thought I was going to get up the next morning, take my shower, and then come see you. I didn't think I was going to get a phone call from mom at 4 AM saying "he's gone."

You're not only my guardian angel, but my son's. I can't wait til he is older so I can tell him all about you. I love you daddy!