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Motherhood- The Ups, the Downs, and Everything in Between Part 2

Part 2

By Danika ToralboPublished 5 years ago 3 min read
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The day had finally arrived for us to go to the doctor and see how far along I was. Have you ever had a rush of feelings hit you right before something happens? That’s exactly what happened to me while we sat in the waiting room. I had this crazy feeling that something was wrong and my anxiety shot through the roof. I turned to my spouse and told him. He tried to reassure me that everything was okay and that I was just over thinking. No matter how much he said everything was okay I couldn’t shake that feeling!

“Danika?” The moment has come and now we are following a nurse to a room. One of the longest walks I have ever taken. My heart was racing, my breathing quickened, and everything slowed down. We got settled into the room and the ultrasound started. I was squeezing my spouse's hand so tight! We looked towards the screen and the room was quiet. Not the normal doctor's office quiet. It was more like a funeral quiet. Laying there waiting for the doctor to say something.

Once the doctor gathered herself, she turned and looked at me and said I was too early to tell how far along and that I needed to come back in three weeks. I was so confused and overwhelmed that I just cried! We had been looking forward to this day and we are leaving with nothing. Three weeks pass and the day before our appointment is the day I will never forget! Going about my day, I started to spot. When I called my doctor they wanted me to come in right away. Now my heart was really racing! I get to the doctor's office and they take me back. My doctor comes in and starts another ultrasound. I was hoping for the best, even though there was always a little voice in the background telling me to “be prepared.” Once again I waited for my doctor to say something, anything. “Unfortunately it looks like you are getting ready to miscarry.” Say anything but that. My heart dropped and I felt my face get hot. She explained what she saw and gave me a few options.

This was one thing I wish I would have been warned about. Feeling like a failure. Empty. Heartbroken and alone. I had never heard of anyone in my family having a miscarriage and I couldn’t understand why this was happening to us. Trying to go about my day pretending I was okay was rough. I just kept asking why? Nothing about this made sense to me. Then I realized we were going to have to tell our family and friends we were no longer expecting. I got a lot of “I’m sorry” and “Let me know if you need anything,” but no one ever let me know I wasn’t the only one.

Have you ever realized how people respond to the word miscarriage? Like it’s a bad word or something to be ashamed of. After I finished miscarrying, I felt a sense of importance to not let this slow me down or stop me from my dream of having a family. I had a business to keep going and my spouse who had been my rock through the entire process. For a while I had days where I just wanted to lay in bed and watch movies all day. I had no idea there could be something this hard to go through. I fully believe that god brings you to rough times as a test to learn just how strong you truly are. Nothing about this pregnancy went how I hoped but I wouldn’t trade the experience for anything. God's plan is what it is and before we could move to the next chapter in our lives, he had to make sure we had some strength in our back pockets.

pregnancy
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About the Creator

Danika Toralbo

CO Native • 24 • Girl Mommy (for now) • Taken by a knight in cut up Levi jeans •

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