Mommy to an Angel

2011 was by far the most traumatic event in my life. My daughter, Grace, was stillborn at 39 weeks and 3 days. My pregnancy with her was great and completely normal. I had my 39-week appointment on March 14th, 2011 and while the doctor flubs her heartbeat, I noticed it was 30 bpm slower than usual. I questioned her about it and she dismissed my fears. We were going to induce that day, but I wasn't dilated at all, so my doctor decided to wait three more days. Induction was then scheduled for March 17th, 2011, St. Patrick's day🍀 The night before my induction, I noticed that she wasn't moving. I figured she was sleeping. I was 21, I really wasn't educated about kick counting or normal fetal behavior. That night I had a dream... My daughter was dead. I woke up crying but dismissed my fears because babies don't die, right? I never thought it was possible. Naïve? Yes. I woke up at 5:30 the next morning and packed my stuff in the car. The whole 20-minute ride, I knew something was wrong. My mom and my cousin came with me to the delivery room. I changed into a hospital gown and sat on the bed while the nurse got the belly monitors ready. She tried for a good 5 minutes to find my daughter's heartbeat, nothing. She found my heartbeat and said, "I hear her in there, I know she's there." That was the biggest lie I've ever heard. She exited the room and another nurse came in. She also tried to find the heartbeat. The second nurse tried the fetal Doppler incase the belly monitors weren't working correctly. Again, no heartbeat was found. I knew something was wrong by the look in her eyes. She said nothing as she left. Both nurses entered the room a couple minutes later with my doctor. My doctor also tried to find the heartbeat with no luck. She called for an ultrasound machine. Something was very, very wrong. For what seemed like an eternity, the machine finally arrived along with my doctor and three nurses. She spent 10 minutes attempting to find my daughter's heartbeat on the ultrasound, but her face said it all. Tears came rolling down her cheeks. She touched my leg and said,"I'm so sorry, sweetie. I can't find her heartbeat." At that point, everyone in the room started crying. My baby was dead inside of me. I failed her, my body failed her. It's not fair! I begged for a C-section just to get it over with. I was told that I couldn't have a C-section because it was not medically necessary, so we started a regular induction with pitocin and a cervidil pill to dilate me. My grandma was supposed to come to the delivery after her hair appointment. My mom called her and told her what was going on. All I heard was, "oh my god, oh my god, oh my god." This was fairly significant because my grandma is very religious and never takes the Lord's name in vain, nor does she swear. About an hour later my grandmother arrived with three angel necklaces, one for me, one for my mom and one for my two-year-old daughter. She was crying, and it broke my heart even more. My pastor was called and sat with all of us until an hour before I delivered. I attempted to nap and while I was sleeping, I woke up screaming and crying. "She's dead! She's dead, Mom!"

She said, "I know. I knew, honey." I was in a state of shock, denial, and disbelief all day. My beautiful angel girl was born silent at 5:17 PM on March 17th, 2011. She weighed 6 pounds 4 ounces and was absolutely perfect. My doctor noticed her cord was extremely twisted right above her belly button. She assumed that was the reason for her passing. I was asked about an autopsy which I refused, but she was "sent" to the pathologist. Her cord was the reason for her demise. Grace had an the most rare form of umbilical cord accidents, umbilical cord torsion or hypercoiled umbilical cord. Shortly after delivery the nurses took her to bathe and change her. She was brought back to me clean, beautiful, and wrapped in a warm blanket. My mom, my cousin, my grandma, and I spent hours holding Grace, hugging her, kissing her, singing to her, and cuddling. At 10 PM a nurse came in and told me that because babies decay faster (good choice of words, right?), she needed to take my baby girl to a "cool" place for a while. I was then told to try to sleep. Which of course was impossible. At 2 AM I begged to have my daughter back, so they reluctantly brought her back from the morgue. Grace was handed to me and I touched her cheek. "They put her in a freezer!" I screamed. Her cheek was hard, not squishy. It was freezing cold, not warm. The nurses, myself, and everyone in the room were crying again; I whispered to my sweet baby, "Please don't leave me, I can't do this. Please God, let me take her place!" We spent another seven hours with Gracie. I was released from the hospital at 9 AM. Handing her over to the nurse, knowing I would never see my child again, was the hardest thing I've ever been through. My heart was shattered. In the car on the drive home, a Rascal Flatts song came on the radio, "I Won't Let Go."

It's like a stormThat cuts a pathIt's breaks your willIt feels like thatYou think you're lostBut your not lost on your ownYou're not aloneI will stand by youI will help you throughWhen you've done all you can doIf you can't copeI will dry your eyesI will fight your fightI will hold you tightAnd I won't let goIt hurts my heartTo see you cryI know it's darkThis part of lifeOh it finds us all (finds us all)And we're too smallTo stop the rainOh but when it rainsI will stand by youI will help you throughWhen you've done all you can doAnd you can't copeI will dry your eyesI will fight your fightI will hold you tightAnd I won't let you fallDon't be afraid to fallI'm right here to catch youI won't let you downIt won't get you downYou're gonna make itYeah I know you can make it'Cause I will stand by youI will help you throughWhen you've done all you can doAnd you can't copeAnd I will dry your eyesI will fight your fightI will hold you tightAnd I won't let goOh I'm gonna hold youAnd I won't let goWon't let you goNo I won't

To this day, that song brings tears to my eyes. I spent the rest of the day planning my baby daughter's funeral. We printed pictures, bought flowers, and put together poster boards of pictures. I was advised by the funeral director to have a closed casket because babies decay much faster than adults and I wouldn't want to remember her like that. So closed casket it was...I gave him a chunk of clay and asked to get a hand impression and a foot impression. They were priceless to me. Gracie's funeral was held on March 21st and it was beautiful. "Amazing Grace" was sung by my aunt and we also played the Rascal Flatts song again. Then it was over. My dad carried her to the burial plot. He held her tiny casket like you'd hold a newborn baby. He whispered how much he loved her. We had a nice lunch after the funeral and all I could do was sit and cry. Since then, my life has been changed immensely. I have suffered from alcoholism, major depressive disorder, PTSD, and bipolar disorder. I self-medicated with alcohol for two years then became sober when I got pregnant with my rainbow baby girl, Gianna. She saved my life completely, in every way. I had a very hard time raising my oldest daughter who was two when Grace was born. I fell quickly back into pills and alcohol. I struggled again for two years, half-assed raised my kids. I failed them and I failed Grace. After I was officially diagnosed with my mental health problems, I was put on medications and have been better since. My second rainbow baby, a boy, was born on 8/21/2017. My kids are my world and while I still feel tremendous pain on holidays, birthdays, ect., I know that I will see my baby girl again some day. If you're going through this, please know you're not alone.

Fly away, my butterfly.