Mom, Where's My Dad?

To my daughter:

Dear baby,

I know one day you're going to ask me where your dad is. It's okay. You're allowed to be curious. I have no idea how to answer this question without hurting you and I think that's because there is no way to answer this without hurting you. I've talked to a thousand people about how I'm going to bring this up. Most people tell me to just be honest and that if I raised you right you'll understand how loved you are and it won't hurt you. But I think that's a lie. I don't understand any point on how it wouldn't hurt unless I lie to you and I don't want to lie to you.

I didn't get pregnant on purpose. You were not planned. I don't like the word mistake because you weren't. You were the greatest accident of my life. I had options. I didn't have to become a mother... But after I saw that pregnancy test, I knew I wanted to keep you. I was scared out of my mind and had absolutely no idea what I was doing or how I was going to do it. But I knew something amazing would come of it. You.

Your father... sperm donor?... I'm not sure what to call him at this point. Anyway, he wasn't as confident as I was that things would work out. He encouraged me to get rid of you. I couldn't. He was mad for a long time. One night, I was about five months along, he told me he understood and that he would be there for us. I'm sorry I believed him.

Time went on and it became clear that I couldn't keep both you and him. I made a choice. I made the right choice. Your... whatever... never truly forgave me. He texted me the night you were born and asked what I had named you. We had very little contact over the next few years. He did ask about you though. One night, we were both at a party and he pulled me aside.

He told me he couldn't be a father. That he felt like he would be a horrible dad. That he was sick and didn't know if he would overcome it. He told me he wanted better for you. I want to believe that. I want to tell you that it was the most selfless thing he ever did. I want your dad to be some kind of hero... but that wouldn't be honest. He did tell me all those things. But the truth of the matter is that he was young and sick. He didn't understand the impact he would have on being a presence in your life. And he really didn't understand the impact your presence would have on his life.

The truth is, I feel sorry for him. I know part of him wishes that he could see you grow. But there's another part of him that isn't done being a child himself. I'm sorry that this is your father. If I could go back and change it... I wouldn't. Because if I did then I wouldn't have you. You changed my life more than you'll ever know. I wish you would've had the same effect on him but I got more of the connection with you. (Maybe something to do with you kicking me in the ribs for 6 months).

I know it hurts to hear that you weren't wanted by someone. I don't know how to fix that and if I ever figure it out you can bet your ass I'll let you know first. But until that day, I'm here. I'm here if you want to cry about him. I'm here if you want me to tell you what he was like. I don't know what he's like now, and honestly, I'm glad I don't know that. I'm here if you want to scream and get mad. I know he isn't here and that's why you're upset, but I am and I'm going to spend your whole life trying to be both parents. I'm going to spend my whole life trying to make up for my mistake. By that, I mean him, not you. You were never the mistake. He was. That mistake I'll have to live with for the rest of my life. But I would rather spend my whole life making up for that mistake than not have you in my life.

I did love your father. Or I thought I did... Then I had you. Everything changed. He was not the person I thought he was. I wasn't the person I thought I was. Not every family is the perfect cookie-cutter family with mom and dad and baby. And that sucks sometimes. But more often than not, something fucking awesome comes from it. You showed me what it meant to truly love someone and for that, I can never repay you. Your father showed me what it meant to really have a broken heart. Not because I was sad he left me, but because it broke my heart more than I thought my heart could break when he left you.

I don't know how to help you through this. I have no idea what you must be feeling right now but I pray every night that you don't hate me. I'm trying my hardest to not make this difficult for you. Yell, scream, cry, eat a tub of ice cream, whatever you need to do... I'll be standing next to you. I love you, my girl. Stay strong.

I love you to the moon and back.

Always,

Mom