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Miscarriages and Misconceptions

What I Experienced and Learned as Man from Miscarriages

There has always been a great debate about abortion, long before Roe v Wade. Some people believe that it is immoral and that it is murder. Others believe it is a woman’s choice since it is their body. I am going to go into this from a male perspective and beyond.

Abortion in medical terms is the premature exit of the products of conception, from the uterus. It is a loss of pregnancy without detail why. There is also spontaneous abortion, which is medical jargon for a miscarriage. These happen with no explanation why, sometimes due to alcohol, tobacco, and drug use while pregnant.

Please understand that the story I am about to tell, only come from my experience and perspective. I cannot speak for the female community who has to bear this pain.

My wife and I went through two miscarriages when we started to try to conceive, before our rainbow baby arrived. Miscarriages are never easy to deal with on either side, but I believe it is more traumatic for the woman, as she is the one carrying the baby, and experiencing the pregnancy. Neither one of ours were explainable, as we did everything right, it just didn’t come to term.

The first one that she miscarried, she decided to do at home after the Dr. said it would not carry and would not live. This involved a pill placed into her cervix causing the miscarriage to finish through actual labor. It was heartbreaking to see her like that and in so much pain, since the doctor refused to give her anything for pain, and I am still angry with that office over this. She basically gave natural birth to expel the dead embryo, without any pain medicine.

Me and one of our dogs walked up and down the hallway with her all night, trying to get the procedure done and over with. Even though we finally went to sleep in the living room after everything was over, it doesn’t mean the mental anguish was over.

The second miscarriage, she decided to have a DNC done, so she didn’t have to go through the physical pain again. Still the emotional pain was there. It took us some time and we decided to wait until we were finished grieving before we tried again. We both felt like we had failed, although there was nothing differently we could have done to prevent this from happening.

The third time was a charm, as our wonderful baby boy was born through a difficult pregnancy which led to him being born six weeks early. He had to stay in the NICU for a week after she was before we took him home, and he had to go in a car seat bed, due to not being able to pass the breathing test in a normal car seat.

I wanted to tell a little of our story so everyone would know what we went through, and why I think like I do. A lot of people experience the same pain, they are not alone. It does hurt, and from the male perspective, it can does make you frustrated and make you feel like a failure as a husband and protector, even though you did nothing wrong.

I’m sure that females feel the same the way, just on a more intense and personal level since they are the ones carrying it. That’s just my thoughts so, as I said earlier, I can’t speak for females. Sometimes we are ashamed to speak about this as it seems to be a taboo subject. It really shouldn’t be, especially when you did everything you could right, just like we did. It happens to women around 3 million times a year, or between 10-25% of women.

Sometimes Mother Nature can be cruel to us, with no explanation why. The one positive thing I can say about our story, is that it made our rainbow baby so much more special to us. My wife likes to say that he was handpicked by his two siblings for us. We couldn’t ask for a better child, and we’re always proud when someone compliments us, whether it’s on his good behavior or his appearance. I couldn’t imagine the world without him and have big hopes and dreams for him. 

As a friend said about him being a preemie, he had important stuff do to and had to get out and get it done. Even when he’s screaming his head off, and we are ready to pull our hair out, he’s still our special little man, our rainbow baby, and our miracle. 

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