Miscarriage

I am sharing my story with you because I want to help inform others and give comfort because you are not alone and we can get through this together. I will bring you into my feelings and how I felt through everything from beginning to end.

I first found out I was pregnant at the beginning of May 2018. When I took those tests I didn't know if I wanted to be excited, scared, happy, or sad. I didn't have any symptoms besides my late period which was only late like three days. My periods are always on time and nothing about them are irregular. But my late period didn't give me the hint that I was pregnant. Something just told me to check. So, sure enough, I took the test and it immediately came back positive. I have taken the test before this and it obviously was never positive, so it was shocking to see the two lines. My face was smiling but somehow my brain wanted me to cry.

The next day I went and picked up the test that said pregnant or not pregnant because I felt it couldn't be real until I saw that and I got the line test from the 99-cent store, so I had to be sure. The following day I went to a free clinic and did another urine test. They were also positive so, at this point, it was coming to me that I was pregnant. They estimated that I was about five weeks. I scheduled another appointment the following week for an ultrasound.

First Ultrasound at About Six Weeks

In the ultrasound, it showed the baby was indeed there and there was a heartbeat. The fetus measured in about six weeks and a few days. When I heard that heartbeat, I knew it was real and I was really having a baby. At this point, it had fully registered and I was excited. I then decided that I wanted to move to an OB/GYN (Obstetrics and Gynecology) instead, because I figured a free clinic can only do so much.

I had two appointments. The first was a checkup for me. The next day, I had an ultrasound and a trans-vaginal ultrasound. I was so ready at this point I was ten weeks to the day, so there was supposed to be a big difference. When the technician immediately said the baby isn't the right size, my heart fell to the floor, but I still had hope. Then she was asking a few questions. I didn't have any bleeding. I had no cramps no pain—none. At first, I had nausea. It wasn't bad but it was there. It had disappeared, but I didn't think anything of it because the nausea was never really a problem. She then tried to listen for a heartbeat. She said she couldn't find one. I still had hope for some reason because the first ultrasound I had to hold my breath so they could catch it. I just didn't want to give up. I just got to the point where I was happy and ready for a baby.

She then did a trans-vaginal just to make sure. The results were the same. Since she wasn't the doctor, she couldn't tell me exactly what was going on. In the back of my mind, I knew, but I didn't want to accept it. The doctor came in and said she was sorry and that I had a missed miscarriage. (Occasionally something goes wrong, and the pregnancy doesn't continue to develop. This is a missed miscarriage, also called a silent miscarriage. You may not have had any of the usual signs of miscarriage, such as pain or bleeding.) At this point I couldn't hold it my feelings I just let go and cried so hard my boyfriend did as well.

She told me it was nothing I did or ate that could have caused this, but I felt like it was all fault. At the time, I was working in the kitchen at a state prison. I was on my feet 100 percent of the time I had no time to take a proper break. It was hot, but I wasn't able to eat the way I should and I felt that I wasn't drinking enough water. I don't think I was getting enough sleep as well, so I felt it was all my fault. After leaving the doctor that day I completely quit the job.

So I was carrying the baby after the miscarriage for two weeks. So the doctor suggested that I could get a D&C to remove the baby (Dilation and curettage refer to the dilation of the cervix and surgical removal of part of the lining of the uterus and/or contents of the uterus by scraping and scooping) or I could take medication that would speed up the process and let my body pass the fetus that way but that could take days or weeks. So I decided I would get the D&C because I wanted it to be over already. So I was scheduled for that a week later. Two days after the doctor's appointment, I felt this pop and clear liquid came from my vagina. I ran to the bathroom and blood poured down. I thought well I guessed I don't have to get the D&C and at this point, I felt no pain. So I just put on a pad and continued to eat. Then I noticed that I was filling pads in like 20 minutes. So I went to the ER. On my way there the pain started and it got worse by the second. While I was waiting in the ER the pain was so bad I couldn't stand and nothing helped at one point I felt like I wanted to vomit. When I went to the restroom to change the pad, you can hear the clots and I'm sure it was the fetus and blood dripping into the toilet. I sat in the waiting room for hours. The pain was at a 15 on a scale of one to ten. All they could tell me was "we will be getting to you soon." I was in the waiting room for five hours—I was never seen because I left. I no longer had any pain and the bleeding was not as heavy anymore. I was confused as to why I was never admitted. I was bleeding so heavy and the pain was so bad. I was afraid I could be hemorrhaging because there was so much blood and I didn't know what to expect.

I went home and the next day I went to see my doctor and they gave me both ultrasound and trans-vaginal so make sure everything was clear and I no longer needed the D&C. I had a few clots left that pasted over the next two to three days, but I no more pain. Other than that the ultrasounds showed everything was normal.

About a month later, I had my first period after the miscarriage. It was so hard getting through that. I had to just tell myself it wasn't the right time. My boyfriend and I always planned that we would have a baby at least when we were in our space and were financially stable and I wanted to be married. We had our apartment and we had good enough jobs but not good enough to support a child. We had just moved to a whole new state alone and we were going through a stressful time. So I just knew it wasn't the right time.

Now, after this experience, I want to actually try for a baby. But to be safe, I think I will wait six months to a year just to make sure everything is good and hopefully be in a better position and able to take better care of myself.