Miracles

The doctors said, "I am sorry, you will not have children without medical interventions. You no longer ovulate. You will need to take medication.” That was 2013.

Let that sink in. Every guy I dated wanted children. The last guy I dated; “Let’s do the damn thing, get fertility treatments. I've always wanted twins. Let’s have a baby!” He’s the same guy who told my mom, “I never wanted a baby. I want nothing to do with the baby or her.” Okay. When I pointed this out, his response: “I’m a liar, go away.”

That was it. Are you kidding me?!? For a split second, we both wanted this baby. That was long enough for the cosmos to re-align, for fate to change and God gave the green light.

At 35, I thought, it’s okay if I never have a baby. I have my "fur-babies." I was told for 16 years, "you will need a miracle."

Now: Pregnant, approximately 25 weeks along as of October 14. No medications or medical help, a true miracle baby. He willed it too! I saw pictures of him and his new girlfriend today and wanted to puke. She’s pretty. I’m feeling really fat and insecure so I’ve told people to stop giving me updates. I have him blocked on all social media and last messaged him in June. He told me to get an abortion at 14 weeks. Too late, the max is 12 weeks in Virginia. Why the F*** would this happen now? Why that guy? Why not anyone else? Aside from a father who is MIA, there are other issues to attend to.

This whole ordeal sucks.

PROBLEM! At my first appointment they found a lesion on her lung. After 10 weeks of monitoring, it has grown larger. It needs to be removed to prevent it from becoming deformed.

At 31 weeks, it will be decided when to perform surgery at CHKD. An ultrasound will be done to determine if she can be born at 34-35 weeks. Ultimately, the baby will be brought prematurely into this world. She will, soon after birth, undergo surgery to remove the lesion from her lung. If it appears to interfere with development, she will arrive as early as 32 weeks. Currently, I am on strict bed rest as she has already "dropped." I just got a job but had to go on leave without pay per doctor's instructions. Physical labor is out of the question as there is a concern to keep the plug intact and for her to "stay put." I am following doctors orders! Surgery is scary and risky! As a newborn and due to this type of surgery, her risk of complication is much greater than average. This is what pediatrics has shared. The current and continued lost wages due to the temporary inability to work (I don’t qualify for FMLA & have no accrued paid leave), additional appointments to specialists, travel expenses and many other costs that have and will be incurred are growing. There are many uncertainties and this page was created to help relieve a small portion of the financial burden of this ordeal so as to focus on the baby’s growing strong. Ideally, she will have surgery after she is full term. This is possible but surgery is inevitable.

Never in my life have I ever felt so alone, scared and abandoned. This is not how life was supposed to go. That’s now how this works, not how any of this works. This is not what I wanted nor what I had planned. Do I blame myself or a higher power? Things happen for a reason; this better be a good one!