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Confessions of a Bitter Woman

By sara gockleyPublished 6 years ago 3 min read
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Do you know that I cyber stalk you? When it first happened, I would creep all day long. It was an obsession. I don't know why. Was it to get mad about your life? Maybe? Was it to torture myself? Perhaps. It could have been just plain disbelief that you could be all over Facebook or Instagram smiling. How are you smiling after what you did to me? To my family? To your husband and your family? I would criticize everything about you. How your hair was, or how ugly you looked. You have a really stupid smile and teeth did you know that? And that picture of you in the bathing suit? I laughed at that for a week. I see your flaws. I see each and every flaw in your pictures. To anyone that doesn’t know you or know what you did, you look perfectly normal, pretty even sometimes. But I know better. I know that behind your smiling face lives a heartless, lying girl.

Three years have passed since you slept with my husband. Since you lied right to my face, since you tried to be a second mom to my kids. You broke my heart. We were friends. We were more than friends, we were family. I stalk you now because I don't know how to stop. I don't know how to let go of my hurt and my anger. It happens less frequently now. Once or twice a month I think. I don't know what I am looking for or hoping to see. Maybe to see pain and hurt in your life? You shouldn't be able to do what you did and go on living a happy, carefree life, when you destroyed mine.

What shocks me even more is that he forgave you. He took you back and now you are living a life that frankly, you don’t deserve. You deserve to have waves of crying and anger and betrayal come over you and shake your body to the core. I know that everyone’s online life is different than their real life. Mine is, I know that. But I share my sadness and misery sometimes. When it is all just too much and I hear a song, or watch a movie or a TV show when someone cheats. It all becomes too much to bear. I share my sadness because if you were ever to take a look at my life, I want you to see that I am no longer the same. I am shattered inside.

Maybe in another three years, I won't look at all, or cringe when I hear your name. Maybe then I will realize what lesson I was supposed to learn from this. My heart will be glued back together by then, and I will be a different person. Someone you can't hurt anymore. I don’t want to see your life, I just cannot stop. I wish I could. It is an obsession that I am slowly overcoming though, as I move on from this chapter in my life.

Someday, when I hear your name, I will just say she was, “Somebody that I used to know.” I won’t feel that sick feeling in my stomach, that sharp stab in my heart. Someday I may be able to not react at all. I long for that day to come. Every day I move a little tiny bit closer.

People have said that I need to forgive you and move on with my life. That forgiving you will be a freeing experience for me. I know that I can forgive and not forget but I wish it was the other way around. I wish that I could forget and just not forgive you. Maybe life would be easier then. But, until that happens, just know that when you fall from your “picture perfect” life, someone will be watching.

divorced
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About the Creator

sara gockley

I love to write and am looking for a creative outlet for my stories

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