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Loss

N. The Fact or Process of Losing Something or Someone

Loss; we talk about, think about it, and hear about it... but you never understand it until it is you who has lost something or someone. Loss is is an odd word. We use it to describe a lot of things i.e., losing one's keys, losing a game, maybe even losing your mind and etc... But we mainly use it to describe it as what happens when someone in our  life has died. We say we "lost" them. Where did we lose them to exactly? We know they died. We just don't know exactly where their souls go. So, I guess in a way we did lose them. We can believe that they're in Heaven or somewhere better than here, but we really do not know where they return to after their time here on earth. 

This past year, I became a victim of loss. I lost my fourteen-year-old brother, my father, and my brother-in-law to a boating accident. The three of them, as well as my (at the time) husband, and my older brother decided to go on a "guy's" fishing trip to June Lake the weekend of October 15, 2016. June Lake was our family's place. Every summer before my parents split, we would go there for a few days and go camping, hiking, and fishing. That was our happy place, our get-away; it took the lives of three of the most important men in my life and now has become a painful memory instead of a joy-filled childhood memory.

A few months after the accident, in March 2017, I "lost" my marriage. I ended up leaving my husband whom I was with for almost three years but only married for eight months. I thought I loved him, but I was just trying to convince myself I did it for the sake of our beautiful baby girl. After the accident happened, it opened up my eyes to so many things. I realized that life is too short to be unhappy and to settle for less just because you think it's easier. So after that realization, I left him and although I did not love him the way a wife should love her husband, I did love him as my friend and as the father of my child, so the loss of my marriage was still very painful. If only I knew then what I know now, I could have spared a lot of heartache. 

In September 2017, I lost my grandfather to cancer. Myself and my family hadn't even grasped the fact that we had just lost three people at the same time not even a year ago. Now we have to try to fathom the death of the man who started it all, the foundation of our family... I don't even have the words to describe how painful all of this loss has been. I just know I would never wish this pain upon anyone. I try to believe that everything happens for a reason just to keep myself from getting angry, but sometimes it isn't the easiest thing to believe.

You would think that after all of this I would be completely broken, I should be... but I'm not. Yes, I am damaged and at times feel as if I don't know how I can keep going, but I don't let this loss, this pain destroy me. I embrace it and understand that everything in this lifetime is temporary. Do what you want in life and what makes you happy, because what you think may never happen to you just might happen. Tomorrow is not promised. It can be taken away from you in the blink of an eye and before you know you're the one who is lost.