Losing My Best Friend

At exactly 6:15 AM, I hear my alarm going off, practically giving me a heart attack.

I open my eyes from a very deep sleep that I was enjoying every minute of. I know it’s time to get up for school but my body is telling me to stay right where I am, nice and warm in my bed, wrapped around inside my blankets. I hear my mother's footsteps coming up the stairs which means it is really time to get up. Before she starts yelling, I get up out of my bed, freezing because I forgot to turn my air conditioner off last night. I run downstairs to the bathroom to get ready but my mom stops me before I get to the door.

“Would you like to come see mom-mom with me today instead of going to school? I know she would love to see you again.” My mother said this with a tone in her voice that she really wanted me to come.

“I can’t in the middle of the day, Mom. I have a math test today last period and I can’t miss it. Plus I went to see her yesterday. I don’t like seeing her like that. She’s turning into a little sick raisin. Listening to the way she has to catch her breath every time she inhales, it’s scary,” I said, with as much remorse in my voice as possible. Family means the world to me. I feel guilty for not going.

My mom just walked away, but it’s true, being around her everyday when you can see it in her face that she’s just getting worse. She’s losing a large amount of weight, and her face is just sinking in. Lung cancer was beating her, and it was the most depressing thing that I have ever had to even think about. It is always a thought in the back of mind.

“What am I going to do when she leaves this world and leaves all of us behind?” I think as I walk back upstairs.

I went about getting ready for school. Of course I’m running late, so I’m running to the bus stop and made the bus by about 30 seconds. My mom trying to get me to skip school to go see my grandmother made me a little upset. I’m going after school to go see her, though. I’m not just blowing her off. I would love to spend every moment I can with my grandmother but I just can’t. I have important tests and homework I need to worry about for school. I’m now going to school with knots in my stomach and my heart pounding out of my chest. The simple thought of not being able to go see her kills me on the inside.

It’s starting to feel like every class today is just dragging on. I guess when you’re feeling down, and constantly worrying about someone the time drags on. First period I had gym. I could not even bring myself to get dressed for gym because I was just so exhausted. So I sat on the sidelines and watched everyone play basketball and took the zero for the day. I did not even eat lunch, which was after gym. For some reason there was just this pit in my stomach that would not let me eat or drink anything. Fifth period, I sat in the nurse's office all day, trying to get ten minutes of peace and quiet. I tried to finally take a deep breath and fall asleep but my mind was constantly racing. Just like a train never stops running, that is what my mind was like. I finished all of my classes today except for one. I’m in my last period math class, and finished my math test, I still have to wait 13 minutes for the bell to ring. I’m starting to feel that butterfly feeling in my stomach, and I want to just walk straight out that door. It’s like I can’t control my legs. They just want to go. Looking around at all my other friends still working on their tests, I start to wonder if I finished so fast because I actually did well, or if I just completely bombed it.

*RIIIIIIIINGGGGGGGG*

Finally, that stupid bell. I darted out of the classroom and outside to the buses. I look around and I’m the first one on my bus. I guess I’m a fast runner. Eventually, my neighbor Hannah and my friend Kayla get on the bus. They can see in my that something is just not right with me. I can see them trying to talk to me but nothing was coming out.

“Are you okay?” Hannah said to me. I just stared blankly back at her. I just wanted to get home to get to the nursing home.

“I guess she just does not want to talk,” Kayla replied for me back to Hannah.

My mouth was sewn shut, and I was okay with that. After what felt like another half hour, I was at my bus stop. It feel like I had been going through this day for three years now. I never thought the day would actually end. Casually walking down the street to my house, I looked up and my cousin's car was outside. My heart is about to pound out of my chest. So I continue walking to my house, very confused because my cousin never comes to my house. As I’m getting closer to my house, I get very nervous. I can feel my chest getting tighter, my vision getting blurry, drops of sweat are falling down my face. I get to my front door and I hear my mom, screaming and crying. Now my hands are shaking and I can feel my eyes tear up. I still don’t know what happened, but it must be bad. I open the door. My mom looks at me, sobbing. I look at my cousin. She’s crying too and I immediately fall to the floor. I can’t feel my legs—it feels like I’ve been shot. No one says a word, I already know what happened, and I just don’t want to hear it. I’m just sitting on my floor, my cold, hard, wood floor. I’m stuck here. I can’t move, and I don’t want to move.

“I’m sorry you had to find out like this. I wish I could’ve told you sooner, but I couldn’t let you find out during school. Aunt Cindy called me and told me to come say my goodbyes, but before I could even get in the car, it was too late. The cancer just spread too far.” My mom managed to get it all out in between each sob. I still couldn’t find the words to say; my mouth was sewn shut.

“She passed away at about 9 o’clock this morning, Tatum. I’m sorry,” my cousin also managed to spit out. I don’t want to hear their apologies. I want my grandmother. I want to feel her hand hold mine and squeeze as tight as she could. I want her warm hugs she gave me that always made me feel ten times better about anything. I want to sit in her room with her while she does crossword puzzles and curses at Nascar on the TV. That’s gone now, and I can’t wrap my head around it. All of my thoughts are blurred. Everything is spinning around me. It feels like someone is choking me. All of a sudden, my 4-year-old brother comes downstairs and I see the tears rolling down his face. I run up to him and grab him and squeeze him, just like my grandmother would do, and cry with him.

It’s been three hours, I still haven’t moved. My brother and I are still wrapped in each other's arms, shedding a couple tears every so often. I can’t help but just close my eyes for a little while. I don’t want to deal with reality right now.

I jump up in tears, sweating. I had the worst dream! I came home and found out it happened all over again. It’s haunting me now and I just can’t deal with it. My chest physically hurts; I’m too weak to get up. I feel too sick to eat. All that keeps going through my head is that I didn’t get to say goodbye. I saw her last night, last night for crying out loud, and I didn’t even get to say goodbye! I didn’t think that would be the last time I got to see her. I knew she was getting worse, you could just see it, but I never wanted to believe it. I still don’t want to believe it.

It’s been a couple days, and the pain hasn’t gotten any better.

We all had the funeral today. There were so many people, it was all too much to handle. Most of the people there, I didn’t even know. I just sat in the chair in the front row, staring at her. I watched all these people walk up who I did not even know, pay their respects, say sorry to our family, and keep walking. As I was looking at her, I just kept getting more and more frustrated. I was on the verge of tears just from being so angry. They put so much makeup on her. I understand they have to. I understand it is a dead body. But my great grandmother never, and I mean never, wore that much makeup. She did not even look like the same person. Those people did not know my great grandmother. No one knew her like I did. I could not believe they would even do that to someone. That much makeup was ridiculous. All I could think about was how beautiful she was without the makeup. Although it bothers me that so many people claimed they knew my great grandmother so well, it warmed my heart a little bit to know how many people cared for her.

March 25, 2012 will mark the day that my heart broke, the day that I lost my best friend. Every single day, at least once she pops up in my head. She used to sing the song “You Are My Sunshine” to me, and now I’ll hear that song everywhere. From time to time, I still smell her perfume that she always wore too much of. I still cry sometimes, it still hurts, and I bet it will also hurt for a very long time. Instead of dwelling on the fact that she is gone, I celebrate the memories and lessons she has taught me throughout the years. I do not get to spend every moment with her, but I get to remember her for every moment of the day. One thing is for sure, life goes on and things get easier to deal with, day by day. Four years later, I can talk about her without breaking down. I can write about this day without being incredibly angry at myself for not going to see her. Sometimes, things like this happen, but it makes us stronger. I’m now working at the same company she worked at, just for her. She worked there for over 30 years. I do everything for her every day. She is my inspiration and she will always be my sunshine.