Losing Mom

Mom, the nurturing, caregiver who always has your back. I was only 4 when my mom lost her battle to breast cancer at only 30 years young. For most, this is something they won’t experience until later in life but whether you are 4 or 64 losing your mother is an emotional roller coaster that just becomes slightly barable overtime.

I was stripped of so much, no one to teach me about men, my period, bras, or to be there when my babies were born. At 4 I couldn’t even comprehend what happened, now 26 years later all I can remember is thinking, Mom's going on vacation, what about me? I now look at my 4 year old and think well this is how old I was when my world was turned upside down, and what her life would be like if she lost me. I do everything with her and for her, would she remember any of it? Would it take an extreme toll on her that she runs down a bad path later on in life? This is something I think about every day now being a mother of 2 little girls, it scares me just as much as losing one of them.

Twenty six years later and I still remember that time she put soap in my mouth or threw me in the tub with all my clothes on. What I would give for some soap in my mouth. Growing up seeing everyone else with their moms and thinking why me, why my mom? I remember wanting to have sleepovers at my house and other girls parents didn’t like the idea there was no mom in the house. I just felt like it was my fault almost like something was wrong with me, like I did something to deserve this. I think with anything in life especially loss we always question ourselves and blame ourselves it’s just natural. Her loss really took a toll on me but it also made me. I can’t say what life would be like if she was here but without her, it’s made me one of the strongest people that I myself have ever come across.

I got through my adolescence pretty much on my own, my father was really only a wallet who dropped me off somewhere else on the weekends and kept me around just to collect a social security check (but that’s another story). My aunt the only other person I had was a drunk with 3 kids who I at 9 years old started caring for. I had to grow up when most were only worrying about if they fed their Tamagotchi. I always found my way but with no rules it could have been so bad instead I always worried about what would Mom think. So even though she wasn’t there to tell me no, just the thought of disappointing the one person I wanted and needed so bad kept me down the right path.

No one can ever tell you what would have been or how to maneuver your way through life, especially someone who hasn’t dealt with loss so substantial that it effects every aspect of your life. But life must go on and you have to take the lessons they taught and the love they gave and make the most of it. All I can tell you is appreciate them while you have them, cause whether you are 4 or 64 you’ll always need your mom.