Losing a Parent

I recently lost my father and it was the hardest thing I ever had to deal with. A friend of mine asked me how it feels to lose a parent because she's concerned about hers considering their health and everything. Honestly losing a parent is devastating.

I was at school in New York and my mom called me and said that she missed me soo much that she wanted me to come home for the weekend. She bought me a Amtrak ticket that costs like 100 something dollars. I should have known something was up because she wouldn't normally do something like that for no reason. I got home later that night and let me tell you I was starving. She took me to Taco Bell and then to my grandmother's.

I sat down to eat and gave my grandma a kiss and she said "Hey Britt, when you finish eating I need to talk to you about something."

I was concerned because she had a worried tone in her voice so I said, "Is everything okay?"

And she looked at my mom and said, "Yeah baby, go ahead and eat." I started eating and then I soon forgot that she had said anything. My aunt was being silly and my sister was being greedy trying to take my tacos. Me being selfish I told her to go buy her own tacos because I wasn't sharing.

I finished eating and my grandma said, "Alright kids go on upstairs." My cousins and my little sister disappeared behind the wall where the stairs were. She turned to me and said, "Britt, your dad died this morning."

I knew exactly what she had just said to me but I didn't want to believe it, so I asked her, "He did what?" It took a minute for my brain to process what was happening. Then next thing you know I feel my heart collapse in my chest like it had just fallen and broken into a million tiny pieces. I started crying "No." I sat there with my aunt, grandma, mom, and older sister holding on to me and hugging me.

Finally when I stopped crying I went outside and called the one person who I knew could make me feel better. He said, "Its going to be okay," then he started telling me all of the happy memories we had and he joked around a little bit and finally he made me smile but that wasn't the end of it. I don't like to feel bad emotions. So when I do feel them I unconsciously push the feelings away and pretend like they don't exist. I tell myself and everyone else that I'm fine, but deep down I'm hurting. I know it's the worst thing I could possibly do but I do it anyway.

The next day was Saturday. I didn't cry all day. In fact it was the furthest thing from my mind because I didn't want to think about it. Sunday I stopped every tear that attempted to fall from my eyes, I wanted to cry but I wouldn't let myself. The whole week I fought my tears, up until the 2 days before the funeral. I know that he's my dad but I didn't want to go to his funeral, I didn't want to ride in the limo, I did not want to sit in the front row and I did not want to see him in the casket.

I feel like I was forced throughout the entire process. Everything that I didn't want to do they made me do. I was upset about it because it forced me to deal with my pain at least for a couple of hours. I can't explain to you which part was worse; walking down the aisle of the church anticipating seeing my father lying there in a casket, seeing him lying there all cold and lifeless not laughing and not being able to hug me like always, sitting in the front of the church during the funeral listening to the pastor repeat his name over and over again and feeling my sister holding onto my arm crying, or last but not least sitting in the tent in the front row seeing him being buried while they put dirt on his casket, removed the flowers, and lowered him.

The entire time I felt like my heart was breaking and falling into the pit of my stomach. I had the worst headache in the universe and by the end I was starving. The fact that he won't be here to call me on holidays or say happy birthday to me every year, or even call me and tell me how proud he was of me, hurts. I would give anything to have my dad back. My only regret so far in life is not spending more time with him before he passed. R.I.P Dad, I love you.