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Living Without Her...

Life After My Daughter's Passing

Once upon a time, my life used to be perfect. 

I used to smile, I used to love, I was fearless, and unstoppable, Life made sense...I believe that life was perfect, I was the richest girl in the world because I had my best friend next to me always. My reason to smile and want more in life. But then on November 3rd, 2016, my life stopped... I don't remember much from that day. All I remember is that on that day my best friend, my baby girl, my daughter, didn't sleep in my arms that night. A year and a month since that unexpected goodbye. 

I still feel numb, lost, nobody understands, I go to therapy, I take my meds, I go to work, I take care of my home, I smile for the world, I try to make it all seem like everything is okay. In front of my other children, I hide my tears and sadness. I pretend to be a remarkable woman when my husband is around. My parents think that I have overcome so much that I will be okay with time. But behind closed doors, when my room is dark and the lights are off, and the world is sleeping, my tears wipe away my smile. My heart begins to hurt, flashbacks of that fatal day come back, and I want to yell, I want to scream, I want to not hurt, I want to die, and I want her back... 

Someone once told me that "as humans, we are conditioned to lose our parents but never our children." The sad part is that I am the person who said it. Everyone says I am doing better, I can even trick my therapist at times to believe that I am not so broken, but then I am alone in a room with a bottle and memories of her smile, her voice, her touch, her cries, her hugs, her love...my heart never stops hurting and at time it feels like it doesn't beat. 

But I can't give up, I have to keep going because I have to find justice, answers, understanding, and meaning. They say to don't lose hope or your faith, but they don't realize that hope died and faith never existed. I numb the pain with anything that will freeze my feeling, lock away my thoughts, away from my fears and hide my demons. I want to not wake up, I want to see her, I want to hold her, I want to feel her, I want to hear her... 

But once I open my eyes, I see my cruel reality that she isn't coming back... So many people ask me how am I still put together, how do I get up every day and function, how have I haven't lost it. I answer them with what they want to hear. But to be honest, I don't know. I just believe that she is still very much here and hasn't forgotten how much I love and miss her. My smile isn't genuine, my heart is scared to love, my mind is paranoid to live, my pain is deeper than a tear, my soul is lost with no will to be found. I close my eyes I hear her "But mommy, you are okay? Just breathe..."

My Mily, my baby, my best friend... It's not easy to live life without my daughter. The day I had her, I never in a million years think for a second that I have to learn to live without her...  Time doesn't stop, time doesn't forgive, time doesn't let you forget even if you move 1000 seconds. I contemplated suicide many times, sometimes the thought still does comes running behind a dark thought... See, a mother should never have to say goodbye to her kids. I think of all the things I won't be able to do, that were taken from me. Her first day of school, the Big Talk, what would she have grown to be, her graduations, seeing her dad dance with her at her sweet 16 or her wedding. They say "oh, it was an accident, but my heart knows that my daughter was killed by a distracted driver, who at that point in time, in that second that changed my life, she had something else that was more important than keeping an eye on the road. 

Losing my daughter wasn't all I lost that day, I lost faith, I lost my self, I lost my hopes and dreams, my future. I lost my peace...I will never know if she left knowing that I loved her more then life itself. I will never hold her or tell her that I love her more than the moon, I won't hear her, see her face, or tickle her belly. I won't ever hear that high pitch scream that she did when she didn't get her way... 

"How are you still going?" People always ask. 

"Well, how can I stop? Doesn't matter if I keep going or stop, it won't change my reality. Life will never be perfect, I will never be complete, and happiness may be achieved but will not fully be accomplished. For my other children, I won't stop living, and for my daughter, I will not stop fighting.

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