Life of a Practically Single Mom

I was only 16 when I found out I was pregnant. I’d been dating the person who I thought was the love of my life for almost a year and he was going to basic for the Army National Guard. It was rough finishing school when his sisters had told everyone the news. I finished my sophomore year and tried to tough the summer out being pregnant by myself.

That summer was hard. Doctors appointments, which my mom had graciously gone to with me, were the easy part. The hard part was the waiting for him to come back from training. Around every turn was just wanting him to be there. I soon learned that he may not be back for our child to be born.

Summer soon came to a close and I had gone back to school for my junior year. I was approaching 5 months that August and had learned that I was going to have a daughter. At this point I receive a letter from my boyfriend that he was coming home. I thought nothing of it. I was so excited to see him that I pushed it all behind me.

But as soon as he came back I knew something had changed. Straight away he joined a volunteer fire department and was more distant than he was before he left. So months go by and it’s the same distant attitude. Then over December, which was my final months, he was absent most of the time.

Our daughter was born the 14th of January and was overall healthy. Even the nights in the hospital he didn’t get up to help me, and joked with his family that he was knocked and slept so soundly. Fast forward two weeks, he brings his aunt and uncle and his twin. They leave to go to the fire department and he sends me a text breaking up with me.

Crushed is all I felt. Pain, Sadness, just overall feeling of hopelessness. I felt like I wasn’t good enough and that in some way I deserved what happened to me. So I tired to move forward. I had this guy my brother was friends with and he wanted to be there for me. My daughter was a month old so I’d go out for an hour just needing someone to talk to me.

Well turns out no mater what this guy tried to do to make it better I couldn’t shake this feeling of I needed my boyfriend back. So I tried and tried to get him to see his daughter. Finally we talked shit out and got back together. It was good I had finally gotten rid of that gaping hole in my being. We were together maybe a month and he told me over the 2 months we weren’t together he got raped by this girl while he was drunk. Yeah great way to feel.

So I stuck it out and it worked well. We celebrated our daughter's birthday together. Then in the spring we went on a trip to Indiana to meet up with old friends. My parents had taken my daughter for the weekend. It was a great trip and we had gotten closer. He even asked me in passing if he were going to propose what would I say. But that closeness was going to change.

We spent our 3rd anniversary together that summer and loved to hang out a couple nights a week. I was starting college and staying home with my daughter during the day. We made it work and hung out 2 nights a week. Then he went and bought a motorcycle. I brushed it off and went on with my own thing.

He had gotten a new job in October and worked every day except one. It was like someone had put a wedge between us. He worked the awkward hours of 12-8:30pm every night. I had our daughter all morning and he wouldn’t wake up until 11 in the morning after staying up all night. I felt helpless like I couldn’t do anything, couldn’t say anything.

Now he gets Mondays off but Mondays are guy's nights. Yet I feel like if I say something all I’m going to get out of it is being yelled at and put down. So now I barely see him and he barely sees his daughter. I’m stuck in the between feeling. But what I do know is that I’m not alone and everyone should keep their heads up. Be there for each other. No one should every feel like they are just an option for when people need them. Everyone goes through a rough patch in life and sometimes it’s not as easy as cutting people out. Find the people who silence your demons.

With love,

A Between Mom