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What was life like as a kid? Hmm, what was my life like as a kid? It's a tough question...
To be honest, I didn't remember my childhood. Maybe it's because I didn't have a good one. I thought I had a perfect family. I have two sisters and a mom who love me. I thought I was raised in a perfect family. But I was wrong...
As I got older I realized that my father was verbally abusive. I was about seven when I started to piece things together. I thought he loved me. I thought I was a daddy's girl, but I wasn't. And the love I thought I had for him slowly turned, until all I felt was anger and hatred toward him. Tears would fall down my cheeks, and at times I felt as if I couldn’t breathe. Why? What did I do to deserve this? Did I do something?
I could come up with more questions, and I felt I was ruined. I felt nothing... I was numb. I didn't know what to feel, other than worthless.
Many people thought that my father was a great man. He went to work and took care of his family like everyone else. He paid the bills, went to friends homes for dinner, smiled. He was great from what people could see from the outside, but once you entered our home, when no one else was around to see, you would see the truth. He was verbally abusive toward me and my sisters.
I hated when people talked about him so positively! He does all of these nice things like helping others, but he should be helping us as well. But he didn't. He was a hypocrite. He could’ve given me love and kindness. Instead I got mean words and insults that slapped my face. He has taught me that his mean words were all I could expect from him, not love.
How could you say that to a child who thought the world of you? I always tried to be the daughter that my father wanted me to be. But I learned that I would never be good enough, never. I sometimes wonder if he ever truly wanted me.
Does he ever want children? Or did he have a family because that's what everyone else does? Why did he choose my mom? Because she was beautiful and kind? Or is it because she is kind and willing to shut herself down so she can take care of him and his children? Because she is easy and he wouldn’t have to work hard to keep her? I saw the way my father treated my mom. I hated that I couldn’t do anything. My mom suffered for us. She made sure that we were warm and had love around us despite how my father treated her. We are her world. She would die for us in a heartbeat. She gave up herself for us. She is willing to destroy herself to protect her children.
As I got a little older, he got worse. I started to noticed some things. I found out that my father abused my mom too. I felt so angry, and I thought, why would he do that? Did we deserve this? Why bother living? My mom fed, clothed, cleaned, and took care of my sisters and me and asked for nothing. And what did she get in return? Nothing...
As the years passed, my mom had a harder and harder time. She couldn't control anything. She just pretended that everything was okay. As time went by, she lost more of her sparkle and shine until all that remained was a dull hue. No one knew about our life, even our family and friends. We were thinking that no one would believe us. I remember when my mom was happy. But as times passed, that man ruined her, until she was barely standing. She held on, for me and my sisters.
Years went by and I graduated from high school. We put up with so much, and we deserved happiness. My self-esteem was ruined. I grew up thinking that I'm no good, worthless, helpless, ugly, and useless. The list goes on. My father made me feel like that. I never had many friends. My father wouldn't let me invite them over or hang out with them. And I was always worried that maybe they would see something and I would feel ashamed. I was trapped and there wasn't a way out... I didn't know what to do. He taught me to hate men like him, and after a while, all men were suspect.
A few years later, things finally got bad enough that we had to leave our home. My mom had enough. We had to leave. We couldn't take it anymore. Finally, we left him. That man is gone and dead to me, and I would be just fine if I never to see him again.
I've never felt so free. We lived in small apartment. It's felt different for the first time. We didn't have to worry about anything. No more yelling or hitting if I accidentally drop a glass bowl. There is no more screaming, yelling, or being on edge all the time. We are finally free.
I never imagined we would leave that house. That house is haunted. I thought I would die there. But I didn't... I held on with my sisters and my mom. We supported each other and we survived. We are free, but inside, we are still a mess. I have been through so much, and it's damaged the real me inside. My traumatic experience taught me to be afraid, and I didn’t show the real me because I thought people would leave me. I grew up believing that.
People think a daughter without a father is a sad thing. Think again; it could be worse than you think. It makes you to wonder what your worth is. Women shouldn’t have to wonder, or feel her worth needs to be to proven by men or others. I was always afraid to trust other people. I didn't know what trust was supposed to look like. Almost 15 years of living in an abusive home, and it got to me. I didn't know what was normal...
Looking back on my life, it's wasn't good. There was a lot of bad, but there were some good memories. I have someone who still loves me. My mom is a special person in my life. She always said I love you. She would read me bedtime stories and kiss me goodnight. She always cooks and bakes with me and my sisters. She has the biggest heart of anyone I have known. She is a ray of sunshine through a stormy day. I always have a good memories with her. I survived because of her. I have learned that through hard times, loved ones will always support you no matter what. Despite what may happen to you, love is the saving grace. Love can overcome anything in the world... even hate.