It’s Not Goodbye; It’s See You Soon

It was mid-July and the intense summer heat was in full effect. We were on our way to go camping in Vermont, my mother’s side had already gotten the camper set up right on Lake Bomoseen. It was supposed to be an amazing way to spend part of summer break, but with one phone call that all changed.

Cramped in a minivan filled with a crying baby, two dogs and my eldest siblings. It was miserable but that’s how memories are made… but this was not a good memory. I remember every detail down to the tee. My mother had gotten in touch with her brother. My uncle has serious drug and alcohol problems, but that’s nothing out of the ordinary on my mother’s side. I always loved my uncle and was stoked that she heard from him. My mother being the protector that she is shielded us from relatives such as this. I was thirteen at the time and finally understood why we didn’t see him or my grandmother. She also had drug and alcohol problems, with mental illness on top of it. I know she was schizoaffective, and had much trauma when she was younger. The call my mother got was no, “hey how you doin’” call. It was serious.

My grandmother had passed, my uncle found her lying on her apartment floor after getting into a fight with her. It’s not what you think, she didn’t overdose, or die from alcohol poisoning. The autopsy showed food that was stuck in her esophagus. She choked. It was a shock to all. But I didn’t cry, neither did my mother. For it had been five to six years since I had last seen or spoken to my grandmother! She was very messed up and my mother didn’t want me around that. I didn’t even get to see her when we redirected our destination to the funeral home. Again, my mother wanted me to remember her the way. I had, but even then she wasn’t completely sober and mentally healthy.

We flew out my other uncle who was my grandmother's third child. Finally, all three siblings where here. Before the actual funeral, we had been swimming to pass time, I also got to spend time with my uncles and catch up on overdue family time. I remember the gut-wrenching feeling of guilt I had because I was having fun right as my grandmother died. I tried to get over it but, it was always there in the back of my mind. As we planned her funeral we wanted a celebration of her life. We had the funeral at this amazing park, with a lake and a picnic area. Some people fished, some swam. I remember being in my mother’s hair all day. At this point she still didn’t cry… yet.

After everything was set up, my mother and her two brothers took a mic and each gave speeches. I’m not going to lie, I didn’t cry, nor do I really remember my uncles’ speeches. But I do remember my mother’s. My mother is a tough women who has always been the strongest person I know, I’d never seen her cry, at least not like this. I didn’t think I would, but I too cried. My mother sobbed as she finished her speech with the words, “ I love you mom, I’ll miss you,” then the waterworks hit, I don’t know if it’s from losing her or listening and witnessing my mother cry, but I ran to the car and surreptitiously balled my eyes out. I texted multiple friends telling them to tell me jokes so I could go out as if nothing happened. I didn’t want people to see me cry, I’ve always held things in. I find crying to be a weakness. Eventually, the July heat in the car got to me and I had to get out, many saw my red, puffy eyes. But at that point I didn’t care. I went up and gave my mother a hug. Later that night, I cried myself to sleep, I missed my grandmother, which was weird since as I said before I hadn’t seen her in years. But she was always a part of me. I know death is inevitable, but it never gets easier having to say goodbye, so instead, I always just say, see you soon.