It Shouldn't Be a Secret Society...

As I sit here with a hot water bottle, each painful cramp is a painful reminder that my baby is gone. I never thought having a baby would be this difficult. It is my first pregnancy and it's only when you fall into forums that you realise how common miscarriage and pregnancy loss is.

The past 24 days have been an emotional rollercoaster but I want to share it because I think it's important for women and men to know that miscarriage happens and it's very much a risk. 1-in-4 women suffer a miscarriage. 1-in-4!? Did I think my first pregnancy was going to go this way? No. Of course I didn't, miscarriage seems to be some weird secret society that no one will talk about when actually people should. I don't want to be ashamed of a baby that I've never met and I certainly don't want people to pretend they didn't exist. Yes I will get upset when people talk about it, but damnit I loved that little bean, even if it was only six weeks old.

Here's how the 24 days went and if you don't like hearing how the human body works I advise you to stop reading because I'm going to be honest...:

September 5th was my husband's birthday and that morning I had a positive pregnancy test, I surprised him just before he left for work, we were both excited and nervous, it was perfect in every way, the midwife calculates my due date as May 12, 2019. Five days later I have some bleeding and cramping and Dr can't fit me in so they tell me to go to A and E. They do blood tests and general checks on the Monday and say it's all good and normal. Come back on Wednesday and we will do another blood test to keep track. Relieved I head to work, let my boss know (earlier than I would have liked but I can't lie and I needed to be out for another blood test) and continue with my day. Wednesday comes and I have a blood test, I ring for my results after work and they tell me my HCG hormone hasn't doubled as it should have—Monday was 153 and today was 200. "What does this mean?" I ask. "Well it could mean your dates are wrong, but it's could be a sign that this pregnancy won't continue or that it's ectopic. Come back on Friday for another blood test."

I was devastated, everything was fine on Monday?! I painfully tell me husband when I get home and he tries his best to remain positive. Friday's blood test doesn't do any favours and the level had only risen to 288 and I'm booked for an early scan on Monday. I start to accept the fact that this isn't meant to be. Already I have gone from elation to defeat to relief to defeat again and it's been ten days. Without my husband I would have been a wreck. He is my rock in every way. He comes with me to Mondays scan (internal scan which is exceptionally cringey for someone like me) and they can't find anything except for the thickening of my uterus lining. She also can't see one of my fallopian tubes. She thinks it's an ectopic pregnancy and my world crumbles that little bit more. I have ANOTHER blood test and levels are 346. It's not looking good at all. "Surely if they're rising?" I say. "They need to double every 48-72 hours, yours are taking six days." I cry and hate the world, I seem to see every pregnant person as we walk out of the hospital. Husband doesn't know what to do to make it better and I can tell he is hurting.

Wednesday I have my fifth blood test and numbers went to 450. Friday I have another and we reach 545. Maybe I might be a slow starter I think... Sunday's blood test gives me levels of 714 and I'm booked in for a scan on Tuesday. The wait seems to be forever. Tuesday comes, and my god they found beanie in my uterus with a heartbeat. I couldn't believe it, I cried with happiness, Husband was relieved, family was relieved. Cautiously optimistic is the way forward.

Finally, we were through the storm and I could think better thoughts about the whole thing. Clearly the HCG levels don't mean everything I thought. Well I'll tell you now...they clearly do. Thursday, a mere two days later I wake up to blood and cramping. I pass some big blood clots and it gets worse and worse and I'm in tears, I'm terrified and I'm an hour and half away from home on a residential trip. My knight in shining armour picks me up and we head to A and E again. We get there for 8:15 PM and the queue is huge. They take my bloods and I wait to be called back to the Early pregnancy unit. The cramping is unbearable. I feel sick and I'm scared, husband won't talk. It takes an age to be called and at 10pm EPU call me and the Dr is amazing and calm and I couldn't think of a better person to tell me that she pretty sure I'm miscarrying.

Obviously I never wanted to hear it, but she was so caring and it made a horrific and devastating experience slightly better. She performed a cervical check to see if my cervix was open or closed. Open being worse than closed. It was closed. Okay I think , maybe this is Okay. But I can't shake the sight of the blood I have lost. She gets my blood levels back and my HCG hormone had dropped to 300. At 6 weeks of pregnancy they should be 20,000. Not only were mine low they dropped by half. How did I see a heartbeat on Tuesday?! Why two days ago was everything Okay?! Why has this happened?! The cramps continue and she books me for a scan on Monday to see the full picture. We leave EPU and get home at 20 minutes to midnight. It's over and I have never felt pain like it. Emotionally and physically.

I should have known from the first two blood tests that it was game over but the heartbeat changed everything.

It's important at this time for me to understand that there is nothing I could have done to change this outcome. I took my vitamins, I ate healthy etc. The chromosomes just didn't work properly for us. I'm praying that on Monday everything has passed through so I can take a week to deal with it and move forward albeit slowly.

Every woman's story is different, I trawled the internet looking for a story like mine and couldn't find it. Well here it is... I'm sorry it's not positive. I wish it was.

Do I think we will try again? I don't know right now. Miscarriage is something so common, I get that now, but do I think I could go through this again? I don't think so.

Maybe I will feel different when the painful cramping reminders have gone?

But I do know that I will not pretend our Beanie didn't exist. I will acknowledge that due date every day for the rest of my life.

Miscarriage is not a secret society.

#MiscarriageAwareness