It's Really, Really Hard

Being a wife and mother is not easy. Not at all. Motherhood in itself is the most wild ride. Some days I feel so ready for another baby and whisper to myself “I can do this.” Other days, like today, I feel a second away from losing my sanity.

(Here are my T O D A Y thoughts.)

Is he sick or teething? Am I wiping his nose too much or not enough? His nose is bleeding, what do I do for his sad dry nose? Why don’t people talk about HOW DANG HARD it is to be a mama of a baby? All we get is how-to’s, but where is the sympathy? If I read or hear one more “right way” to parent, discipline, talk to my child, or raise him, I may explode. Am I doing this right? Am I selfish? Please Lord God let my son sleep for two hours, no three. How long has that laundry been in the dryer? Do I have a cold? How am I supposed to grocery shop, meal plan, and stay within the budget? I can’t have delicious meals and stick to our budget. I guess we will eat frozen pizzas every day. Better yet, cardboard. How does anyone have more than one kid? And the thoughts rumble on...

I don’t have anything inspiring this week, guys. I know, it’s a radical change from last week, but I thought I would just throw some of my reality out there for ya! I wasn’t even going to write this week, but I decided to just be real. And if this seems like complaining to you and you hate it, then so be it. I’m not sorry. It felt good to write that all out, to share my reality. I’m in love with my son, but being a mom is not easy. It’s not. Being at home all day is not easy–it’s not. And for some crazy reason I thought I could start nannying to bring some extra money in for my family?! No way in Heaven. I am just learning what it means to be Adiah’s mama and some days I can barely do that. I need to be continually refined and die to myself moment after moment to meet his needs, and that is not easy. I need to improve my character to be what he deserves. I’m easily angered, and I hate it. I need to grow. I want to always be tender and always be kind. He’s a tiny human who doesn’t know better and yet I expect so much from him, and it’s not fair. And amidst the craziness of life, I need to be able to slow down mentally. I need to be able to be present in the moment, not so task oriented, and yet still get stuff done. I need to walk in patience and humility. I want to feel energized and whole, not drained and half. Most importantly, I need and want to live from rest as I tackle each day.

LIVE FROM REST! Live from rest?! Live from rest? (Insert a couple deep breaths with my eyes closed) I believe I can. I believe I will. I believe in myself and who I am. But dang, today is just hard, guys. And that’s okay. It is what it is. I will do better, tomorrow will be better. I am who my child needs, and I know that.

(Written with tears in my eyes. Those overwhelmed, questioning mama tears.)

And even still, it will be okay. I will never lose my HOPE. I am the mama my child needs.

P.S. I guess you could call the end there a little inspiring, huh? Haha thanks for reading, friends!