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It's Okay to Drop Toxic Family

The word "family" means nothing if it only causes pain.

By Nikolas MartinPublished 6 years ago 4 min read
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Photo Credit: PEXELS

"They're your family. You have to love your family."

No, you don't.

We give people the talk about dropping toxic friends or significant others, but what about family? What if your family does no good to you, or your health? What if your family is abusive?

People will tell you that no matter what, "they're still family and they love you." Whether this is true or not, it doesn't mean you have to keep contact with them. It's important to follow signs and know when that family member can no longer be called family. Ask yourself questions and determine who needs to go.

Does this family member verbally abuse you (call you names, degrade you, etc.)?

If yes, it may be time to step away. When dealing with toxic family, you don't have to rid them of your life completely. Instead, limit contact. This may be hard for those who still live with their family. But if you've moved away or plan to, limit the contact you have with them. Don't take their calls as much, or answer their texts. If you'd like, you can talk to them about why you're doing what you're doing, as long as it won't cause trouble.

Does this family member make you feel sad, angry, or drained when you're around them?

If you ever find yourself feeling negative feelings around a relative, this is another sign that you should stay away from them. These members are a huge effect on your mental health. Being around family should bring joy, or even just a feeling of content. Family should never be accessories to your misery.

Do you feel like you can't be yourself, or they force you to be someone you're not?

Sometimes people will have ideas of who they think you should be, rather than letting you be who you really are. If you're getting this vibe from a parent or relative, you should distance yourself from them. Stopping someone from expressing themselves creatively and exploring who they wish to be can alter how they will live their lives in the future. Sometimes if this person didn't get to live their life the way they wanted when they were your age, they may attempt to push you to do what they wish they had done. They are not you. You are you.

Do they blame you for things you obviously didn't do or had no control over?

This is a classic manipulation tactic used by many abusers (verbally, emotionally, or physically) and is a clear sign of a toxic relationship. They may purposefully blame you for something you didn't do, or blame you for something major, like the death of a family member. This blame may result in shunning, spreading rumors in the family, or extremely unjust punishment, It's important to make sure you do not blame yourself in these situations. It is not your fault.

Do they distort the truth?

If they often mix up what you tell them, or sometimes make lies out of just a few words you said, that's not okay. From personal experience, my SO's father always did this. He would make up lies out of thin air. My SO once told his father that I had temporarily quit my job due to stress and school, which was true at the time. However, his father told everyone in his family that I quit because my mother forced me to, and made it seem as if my mother was trying to purposefully control my life (which is something she would never do). The lies had only gotten worse from there, and it was difficult to talk to him. If you see this often happening to you, and you know it isn't accidental, it may be a serious issue.

Remember that there's nothing wrong with limiting contact, or dropping a family member completely. Another thing to remember is that these issues can be in person, over social media, or calling/texting. These are only a few out of many signs of a toxic family relationship. Educating yourself on knowing strong love compared to controlling or constructive criticism to bullying can help you make the right decisions for you.

This process will be tough. Some family members will think you're being dramatic. Many won't like the disturbance in the family, so they'll try to get you and this family member to "make-up," even when that's not the issue. If your family really does love you, they'll understand why you're doing what you're doing, and they'll help. Maybe even hold some kind of intervention for said family member if others have experienced the same behavior.

If you can't separate yourself from this person, or don't want to, the next step is having a big family intervention as previously stated. Let family members talk about their experiences with what this family member is doing. Make them put in the effort to help them get better, or correct their mistakes. It's almost impossible to tell whether this family member will accept the advice or not, but that's a risk you all as a family must be willing to take.

No matter what happens, remember to stay strong.

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About the Creator

Nikolas Martin

I'm not sure what I'm gonna write about, but I hope it'll help someone in need.

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