It's Not Harmless

I have never been raped, for which I sincerely thank God. I have never been the victim of serious sexual assault. I have never been touched in an inappropriate way that left me traumatized. But I *have* been touched in a way that I did not WANT. Not for my own good (like being pulled back from something dangerous, or hauled off to time out by a parent), but purely for someone else's pleasure.

It sounds stupid at first, but hear me out:

Some of my most frustrating childhood memories are of being tickled.

Not being tickled in a fun way, like by my brother for a second. No. See, I really, genuinely *hate* to be tickled. I hated it more as a kid. I would scream , I would writhe away, I would bawl. Now, some twenty years later, I understand why I was so upset when I would scream, "NO!" and get accosted anyway.

See, kids don't have a very good grasp of what "consent" means. Actually, a lot of adults don't, either, but society is actively working on that. And we tell people to teach their kids consent, but we never explain how. Well, here's my suggestion.

Recently we attended a family event. A relative, a genuinely nice old grandpa who didn't realize the potential seriousness of his actions, was tickling and teasing my "Sugar Bean," my three-year-old. And yes, she was laughing, because tickling triggers that response, but she was also screaming "NO," and "STOP," and even, "I DON'T LIKE THAT!" And yet, he persisted.

Finally, Sugar Bean came running, tears in her eyes, to sit in my lap. She was sad, angry, and genuinely frightened. This relative came over to continue tickling her while she was hiding out with her mommy, her safe place, and when she said, "Stop!" to him, he replied,

"Stop what? Stop having fun?"

My blood ran cold. I've heard about that kind of rhetoric, though as I've said, I've never had to endure it in any adult sense. But I knew, even though it took a bit to put my finger on why, that there was something very, very wrong with what had just been said to my baby.

"Sugar Bean, you have the right to tell him to stop. You have the right to say no," I said to her. The relative walked away somewhat annoyed, and that was that for the night. But let me tell you what I'll say to him—or anyone behaving in a similar fashion—if they ever try that with my children again:

Children are human beings. They have a right to control their own bodies, to defend themselves, and to basic human-to-human respect. And if you teach them that it's okay for you to manhandle them because they are smaller, weaker, younger, or any other-er than you, "what are you teaching them about sexual assault?" What are you teaching them about when the family member, the babysitter, the family friend, the teacher, the boy/girlfriend or ANYONE else wants to touch them in a way that THEY are not okay with?

No. If my child tells you "no," and especially if they are upset about whatever you're doing, you listen to them. Don't instill in them the willingness to accept abuse, rape, or any other victimization of any sort. Teach them, instead, that people who actually care about them, and people who are trustworthy, will treat them with respect, whether they actually spell out what they want or no.

Now, my girls LOVE to be tickled when they feel safe. I'm not saying you can never tickle them. But they are very vocal; they will tell you if they want to be tickled. Or chased. Or swung up in the air and tossed so they can "fly." Kids don't know how to verbalize everything, but you're an adult, and you know how to recognize what's okay and what's not.

Just because they're little doesn't mean they're not human.