Sitting here next to my beautiful four month old daughter, wondering who will read this. I don't think many will but I'm hoping it at least touches the thoughts of a few people. May 8th 2017. The best day of my life and also the most terrifying. After two days of unruling back labor I finally gave birth to a tiny 6 pounds 7 ounces baby girl, only 17 inches long. I know what you're thinking "She was a premie?" No she was full term. I was always told growing up that God will only give you what you can handle, and it that is the case he must think I'm superman. The hospital had broken my water and 18 hours afterwards my darling Cecilia made her appearance, but to my shock she wasn't breathing. At the time we had no idea what was happening I mean really? I just gave birth I was feeling all kinds of emotions and couldn't think straight. My fiancé was by my side repeating the most heartbreaking question any parent would hate to hear. "Why isn't she crying?"
The nurse calmly announced, "She's having trouble breathing we are doing everything we can don't worry." Easier said than done. While getting stitched up I kept asking about her, tears rolling down my cheeks. Turns out she wasn't alive; they were performing CPR trying to bring her back to us. Minutes felt like hours waiting to see my child I had no idea at the time what was happening. Finally they brought her to my face and said they had to take her immediately to the nursery I was able to kiss her and tell her how much I loved her before they took her away.
Four hours passed before I was able to see her again. The doctor's ordered so many tests on her she had so much fluid in her tiny lungs. Different possibilities were thrown around. Possible fractures and infection. They told me that they couldn't give her the care needed and told me I should allow them to take her to Pittsburgh. Wanting nothing but the best I agreed. I only got to spend a few minutes with her before the ambulance service came to transport her. My heart ached and I prayed and cried, what did I do to deserve this?
I couldn't go with her. That was the hardest thing ever. I had to stay in my hospital room alone with my thoughts unsure of what was happening to my daughter. She was septic from my water being broke so long and I also caught an infection. Constant antibiotics were ran through my IV until my discharge the following day.
I felt like I abandoned her. I was her mother and I couldn't be there with her. Thinking about it to this day still kills me a little inside. My fiancé went with the ambulance to the children's hospital. They placed her in the NICU where she spent the first 4 days of her life.
Cecilia should have been taken via C section. Because she wasn't all this was happening, I was high risk most of my pregnancy after all. At 20 weeks I was told she wouldn't be what many describe as "normal." In my eyes thought she is and will always be perfect. She lays next to me know a healthy little four month old who happens to have something very unique and special about her. You see dear stranger reading this, Cecilia has dwarfism. She's my light in this darkened world. She came into this world on such a bad note but I have faith she will thrive.