In The End

As I opened the door to your house the smell inside hit me, forcing me to wrinkle my nose. What was once a welcoming scent of tobacco, coffee, and after shave had turned into sickness and the sweet sickly smell of death. We walked into see you struggle to get up and you quickly had to sit back down. You could barely stand, let alone walk up to greet us. We both tried hugging you but you said it hurt so I didn't touch you. I know you didn't want to go to the hospital with us...but Nanny made you.

We drove and drove and what was a 15-20 minute drive felt like hours. Every bump in the road or touch of the break made you whimper. The once strong southern man I had looked up to sat here broken beyond repair. We finally arrived at the hospital where they thankfully took you right back and got you all hooked up. The way the Drs and the nurses were whispering though filled your room with a silent dread. I knew what was coming and I didn't want to admit it. So instead of sticking around...I left.

I went outside, I explored the hospital, I did everything I could not to be in that room where the smell of death lingered. I finally had to go back though. Id gone everywhere I could and so I went back. I took my time steadying myself and preparing for the worst. I was the only one who knew what was coming. The Drs and the nurses said theyre going to transfer you to somewhere they could actually take care of you.

I kissed you on top of the head, not that you could hug or kiss me back with all the wires sticking out of you and the mask that was contorting your face but helping you breathe. I told you I'd see you later and that you needed to get better and rest. I lied and I knew it. I knew I would not see you again, I seemed to be the only one preparing for it.

That hospital room with the quick goodbye was the last time I saw you or heard your voice. You were transferred and went down hill quickly. Your body just shut down. One thing after another just stopped, eventually that cycle made it to your lungs. The ventilator was was breathing for you.

On August 23rd 2017 the decision was made to let you go. You're family came and said goodbye and eventually it was just you and your two girls. They sat with you for the 40 minutes it took for you to leave this world. Everyone came to see you...except for me. I had said my final goodbyes to you when I left your hospital room before the transfer. I had said my goodbyes the moment I walked into the house and was greeted by death.

Your funeral was that Saturday and again I stayed away. I didn't want to see you stuffed in a tiny box like some overgrown toy. I didn't want to see you covered in makeup that makes you look fake. I didn't want to hear the crying and the wailing of my family members mourning the loss of you. I couldn't bear to share my feelings with them or in front of you.

I'm sorry for not coming to see you. I'm sorry for not saying goodbye. I know you're out there anyway like my own personal star watching over me but all I can feel is regret; because in the end...I just ran away.

RIP Grandpa <3