If Only

If only… I had been there a moment sooner. It’s my fault, there’s nothing that can be done now. Her lifeless body dangles effortlessly from the noose that creaks from time to time. You can see the cut she made in her throat with the knife that now lays on the ground. The noose obviously was too slow for her and she wanted a quicker death. My eyes meet hers as I stare into her empty vessel. I wonder what it’s like to see your empty body while you float away to a paradise beyond imaginable. The only thing I want for my sister is for her to be in a better place. She was suffering from major depression, but this wasn’t the way for her to die. Out of the many ways to end her life here on Earth, she chose to kill herself. I break my stare and I look down at the ground. It’s too much to bear. Water starts forming on the inner corners of my vibrant blue eyes. Choking down the screams that want to escape; I collapse onto my knees. It’s getting harder to breathe, everything is blurry. My pants are getting drenched, but in what? My eyes venture to my curiosity of the wetness I am feeling on my legs. Red… all I see is red. Then it hit me… I’m sitting in my sister’s blood. Fear floods my brain, but I’m paralyzed, I am too stunned to move. Everything I have kept bottled up inside me now rushes out of me like a dam that has just been open. My blood curdling screams fill the empty room. Over and over, my hands pound the ground, making the blood splash all over me. Tears fall to the ground.

All of a sudden the noose snaps and my sister’s helpless body falls to the ground. Her beautiful brown hair covers her face as she makes a hard impact on the ground. The chair where she stood on before she hung herself falls over with her. I hastily pull my body away from her in horror. Pupils dilate, eyes widen, and my body starts to tremble. There is no way to describe what is going through my mind right now. She’s wearing her dancing outfit. We wore matching ones since we were in the same dance class. This is her favorite room to be in, as we made it into a dance room. I don’t know why she did it. If I had known what was playing through her mind when those kids were making fun of her at school, I could have stopped her. Why hadn’t I noticed something was up? She always had a smile on her face like everything was okay. The last thing she told me was to do what you love and let nothing stand in your way. I never really understood why she said it, but now I do. The evidence is lying right before me and if I had arrived five minutes earlier, she would be sitting beside me right now laughing about silly things. There’s no way to go back now, she is gone. Everything goes black as I shut my eyes for a while to try and take in the horrendous tragedy that has just happened. Arms tightly wrap around me as I look up to see who it is. Her eyes meet with mine and I can read them as clear as day. Sorrow, hurt, anger, frustration, empathy, sadness… it’s what any typical mother would feel if she lost her child and it’s certainly what my mother’s feeling right now.

“It’s okay, everything will be okay.” She squeaks out the words as if she has no voice left. Personally, I don’t blame her. Who would have a voice after screaming and crying for so long? I try to say something in response to her, but nothing comes out. All I can do is open my mouth and hope that something will come out. Her eyes look back at her child. Trying to look back at her, I realize that I had seen enough, so I keep my eyes on my mother. Falling further to the ground, she breaks. There is no bringing my mom back, I didn’t want her to see her… but it’s too late now.

“My baby… my baby! She’s dead!” Her voice slowly disappears as the sobs now begin to fill the room. I fling my arms around my mother, trying to thrust her body upward. There’s no telling what will become of her if she stays in this room much longer. Once her body is now on her feet, I guide her out of the room. She stumbles and almost collapses multiple times before we exit the room. If I wasn’t helping her, she would be on the ground still. Closing the door behind me was like hiding the truth that none of us wanted to face. At some point, we have to go back in there and take her body to the morgue, but that’s for another day, another journey, another hard task. My thoughts keep wandering back to her as I continue to help my mom walk to her room. Only one thought replays in my mind and only one remains: If only I had been there a moment sooner.