I Was 19 Years Old

Newly into college, I was juggling a full schedule with my academics, waitressing, and being a student athlete, where I also had to juggle practice two times a day. I had no real social life in terms of doing the whole "College thing" by partying and drinking, if so it was rare to see me out (I didn't even like going out in high school, for the same reasons, working and on the HS swim team).

I didn't make many friends in my classes but I did know a lot of people on campus only because everyone I knew in HS went to this particular community college. Midway into the semester I noticed a guy in my Sociology class. I don't remember how it came about but we started to hang out and talk. Nothing ever official, maybe just one real date to the movies at the time and others it was just hooking up. I started to stay over his place a lot, and every time I was having issues at home or didn't want to be in class I would ask him to pick me up.

Fast forward to the next semester, we still were doing the same thing. I really liked this guy and hoped it would turn to something more.

One day I was sitting in the middle of my Oceanography class, not fully paying attention to the lecture, I started to worry. I was usually always on time with my cycle but I wasn't experiencing any "signs" or symptoms. All I was feeling that seemed a little off to me, I was waking up very early mornings with the feeling of my stomach stretching, like cramps but my uterus being pulled making that and my hips hurt. I started to notice fuller looking breasts as for a while I took the tenderness and sensitivity to be a sign of my period coming.

Something that day told me to leave during my 15 minute break to walk across the street of my campus to the local .99cent store, where I picked up two pregnancy tests. As I walked back to campus and to the bungalows of where my class was held, I sat in the women's bathroom and took my tests.

Sitting in the bathroom stalls, nervous as hell; there it was... those two lines, PREGNANT.

Holding myself together I texted him to please pick me up from school because I wasn't feeling well. We went to his place, I took a nap until it was time to leave and he drove me home.

I didn't know how to bring it up or when to at that point. Nervously, before getting off at my place, I left the tests underneath his passenger side seat as I grabbed my bag off the floor and went straight to my room.

When he arrived home, I asked him to please check the car because I dropped something and wanted to make sure it wasn't lost. I know what you must be thinking, how childish, but I just didn't want to break down in front of him. As I waited, nervous as hell for a response, he replies, "You know we can't do this right?"

Here came the waterworks. I knew that the talk had to happen but I couldn't bring myself to face someone who I hadn't even been in any official or serious relationship with. I loved the guy, he was always there for me, sweet, funny, and I was just so comfortable around him.

We soon met up, sat in the car behind a local park and talked; we agreed this wasn't something that we could handle considering where we were at in life with school, still living at home and working. Scared shitless, he told me he'd go along to an appointment to talk about abortion.

WRONG.

I had never felt more alone. My appointments were set and I had to ask a close friend of mine to come with me on the local train to go to a clinic a little ways from me. As they confirmed my pregnancy, they referred me to another clinic down the street, where I would get an ultrasound to determine how far along I was.

Here is where shit really hit me.

As I laid down with the projection of my ultrasound on the wall in front of me, I lost control when the doctor had me listen to the heartbeat. With my best friend holding my hand I just wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. Going back to the first clinic where they needed my paperwork and to further discuss my choice, we sat in an office that had displays of all these fetus dummies to show the week by week growth. THIS PLACE was trying to convince me that I shouldn't go through with an abortion, that they would help me get into a home for young girls, etc. and proceeding to scare the crap out of me with videos and handing me my own dummy fetus. (wtf right?)

Getting out of there, my only option was to do a surgical abortion, being that I was too far along for the pill. I then receive a text apologizing that he couldn't be there. Pissed, I just dismissed the petty excuses.

Having to act fast, I found the nearest place and set my appointment. Being that I didn't have a car or drive, and this guy showing his true colors, I asked a friend who had a car if he'd be able to take me to a doctors appointment, not explaining any further.

(to be continued...)