I Never Wanted the 'Mommy' Title

I’ve never been the type to want to “mommy.” I never even pictured being one ever. Having children of my own was just a joke I never wanted to come true.

"They're too much of a responsibility," "I'm still a kid myself, you can keep popping out kids and I'll happy enjoy them” kind of mindset.

I grew up watching my young relatives get pregnant and pop out a kid left and right. I enjoyed that they knew that is exactly what they wanted from life. To know they could and had the opportunity to make a life happen for another human being was an eye opener for me. I was happy for them and still am. I loved meeting their kids and making memories with them, but that wasn't something I ever wanted for myself. I felt like I was living a Sex and The City episode. I am Carrie Bradshaw and do not need marriage or kids.

As the years went by, my parents got divorced. I had to experience life without a dad in the picture... as you would see it for a normal happy family. But let me just say, my mom did a heck of a great job at being both roles in my life. She was and still is a hard worker. She always encouraged my siblings and I to reach for our dreams, whether it was in sports, acting, modeling, or singing. She always told us to work hard and be great no matter what the situation was. My mom supported us in every way possible and when I say us, I mean five kids. Two girls, three boys. I'm the oldest and it's been a heck of a life with my siblings. We were wild kids and all had different personalities, so that didn't really help my mom mentally, I'm sure of that. I saw how she struggled with all of us, with money, with providing everything that we needed and wanted, keeping a stable and sane home and roof over our heads, with our crazy Mexican personalities and sass. Holy crap! I envy her big time. She is the definition of lady boss and everything in between.

I didn't like the idea of struggling with any of the marriage and children part. I saw it frequently with my relatives and my mom with their kids. I didn't want it whatsoever. So I stuck to figuring myself and my life out, which included partying with random strangers that later became friends and eventually it was a habit to have parties and show up to them. I then started dating once again after this "serious" relationship I had in between the ages of 15 and 17. That really didn't ever give me hope for my own family in the future. I also had trust issues after this relationship and that didn't help for any future plans. That's how every other relationship I had after that one was like. I don't know if it was just me because I wasn't very great with commitment? Maybe I knew that the relationship was really for shits and giggles? Or I really just needed it to remind me that I did not want to keep dating someone as horrible next time? Let's just say all of the above.

At the age of 20, I knew I needed a change to my whole perspective of life. I wanted an open mind to anything else that surrounded my life. At the time, my brother had left on a mission. He was the only LDS member in the family and knew exactly what he wanted and needed out of life. His example was exactly what I needed to change my whole life. I trusted him and I trusted the lord to guide me and help me make the right decisions. That was when I decided I'd look into The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter- day Saints... My life changed before my eyes as I started getting closer to the lord and trusted in his love for me. This was exactly what I needed to help me with further choices to everything and anything. Because of this life change, I was happier, full of joy and love, etc.

I met my husband during this time. I didn't ever think that I'd get anything serious from him because I wasn't a member of the church yet. He was a good guy and I mean the definition of a good guy. I had no chance with this guy whatsoever because of what I'd done in my past. I knew that he had done nothing of what I had done and knew God would never pair us together as life partners because of how sinful of a person I was. I laughed at myself every time I got home from a date with him. I wasn't equipped to be his long time lover and soulmate, but I loved the idea of this challenge just to see if I could make him love me. He had never loved anyone the way I wanted him to love me. That was also something scary for the both of us. Why would he want me, that knew about love, and he, that didn't? Did that question also scare him? Of course it did! He broke up with me with the intention of never giving me another chance because I was in love with him. He had never heard a girl say such a thing to him and it scared him, which scared me, too. He was the one. If I didn't end up with him, I’d end up with another chump. He was the best of the best and I didn't want to lose him, but I did at the time what could I do—love him while he did not love me back.

Eventually, we got back together and it was like a fairy tale. He helped me believe in all things right. He was contagious in all things fun that didn't include partying, drinking, dating, bad examples of friends, etc. He helped me believe in the church. And let me just get this clear, I made the decision to become an LDS member. I DID NOT convert for him or to be with him. It was my choice and with my brother’s example and my husband's help, I converted.

I believed in marriage and having a family which was totally weird in my mind and in a lot of my friend’s minds. Everyone knew what I wanted and did not want out of life. But I believed it could happen and it only took an open mindset, the Lord, and a great guy to help me make those decisions. Now I have a two-month-old, almost three-month-old, baby boy. He is everything I've ever wanted and more.

And that is where my life started...

To be continued.