I'm Naturally a Sh#$$y Mom

Every woman's dream is to get married and be financially secure enough to stay at home with their children and put their careers on hold until the kids reach school age. Being a stay-at-home mom is a full-time job without a paycheck. I guess you can't really put a price on being home to witness every little milestone your child reaches. Being a mother is a natural instinct we just have, right? WRONGGGGG!!! I might be the only one but I have to work very hard to be a good mom. It doesn't come natural to me. I love my kids, that's not what I'm implying at all, it's just I'm not naturally good at it.

I first became a stay-at-home mom because with the price of daycare, it just made more sense for me to stay home. I wasn't the mom who dreamed of staying at home and raising my littles. Please don't think I don't love my kids because I love them more than life itself. I'm just the type who loves them more after I work my eight hour shift. When I first started the SAHM life it was new, fun, and exciting! That feeling quickly wore off and now the days seem to run together and I am counting the years until I can return back to work.

SAHMs are required to wake up before everyone, have breakfast cooked, get the older kids off to school, go to play dates, and keep the house clean. Really, how hard is it to keep a house clean when you are there all day long. Well, let me fill you in. This is real life and it is hard! I suffer from depression, PTSD, and bipolar disorder so everyday tasks can be a nightmare for me. I snooze my alarm three to five times a day even if I got to bed before 9 PM the night before. We are always running late so our breakfast is normally a donut that I use to bribe my five year old not to cry before school. A successful morning is when my kid has at least something in his stomach and I didn't have a panic attack in the process.

Now to the cleaning part, I might be at home all day long, but that doesn't mean my house is going to be spotless. I can count three laundry baskets full of dirty clothes right in front of me. I used to make excuses about why they didn't get done, but my better half now has caught on so I just tell the truth. I DIDN'T WANT TO DO LAUNDRY TODAY. Some days my depression is so bad I'm content with just getting a shower in. I have learned to celebrate the small victories or I will go crazy. Some days are better than others. Some days I actually mop my whole floor not just wipe up spots I see and some days I hide all the clutter in the closet. Sometimes I even hire someone to clean while my better half is at work. (I really hope he never reads this.) There at days where I ugly cry in the shower because I so badly want to be the SAHM that doesn't seem to struggle. The truth is simple; I just wasn't made to be a stay-at-home mom. I need to stop beating myself up about it and make a plan to succeed.

I live off check lists and to-do lists. It is just one of the many strategies I use to survive being a stay-at-home mom. I never fully check everything off, but sometimes I write down stuff I already did because it makes me feel better. I am fortunate enough to have a partner who really understands how much of a struggle this is and is willing to help me. Please, ladies, if anyone feels like me, celebrate the small victories. It will keep you sane.

I'm not sure why I decided to write this today, and honestly I was scared. What if I am the only mom who feels like this? What if it coms naturally to ever women but me. I guess stone me to death if I am the only one. I just hope other moms get the message of celebrating the small victories to make it through the day with out losing your shit. It is okay to not be naturally good at the stay at home mom life, and I give major props to those who rock it. In the end, it doesn't matter if your child had eggs or chocolate for breakfast as long as they are loved.