I Apologize

My darling Buggaboo,

The last time we saw each other, hard words were spoken. You were angry about something involving your sister, taking it out on everyone, and that made me angry. The first thing I want to say is I'm sorry. I sometimes have trouble remembering that our situation is a hard one; and that being a teenager is hard. I said that you couldn't come back until you apologized to your sister and I. That was wrong and said out of anger. I want you to know that you are always welcome here. My home always has been, and always will be, your home. For a few brief, hard minutes, I turned into my mother, and that's not okay.

The second thing I want to apologize for is breaking my promise. When you were born, I promised that I would always take care of you and treat you better than my mother treated me. During our last encounter, I began to turn into her, and for that, I am more sorry than I can ever say. You do not deserve to have another person in your life being mean to you. You deserve to have a mom who stands by your side, guiding you, teaching you, raising you, and I'm sorry I am unable to do those things on a daily basis.

The last thing I want to apologize for is forgetting how difficult the life of a teenage girl can be. You not only have the stress of trying to get good grades in school, you also have the stress of trying to find your place in life. You are still going through changes, physically and emotionally. These changes wreak havoc on a young woman and it is my job as your mom to guide you through it. However, because of our circumstances, I can't be there the way I should be, and I am sorry.

When you were born, I tried so hard to take care of you and make sure you wanted for nothing. As I watched you grow under the custody of your grandmother, I tried to be there still, to make sure you had everything you needed. I tried to guide you and help you grow to be respectful and caring. I tried to teach you, always. Sometimes it is hard to tell if I am failing or succeeding. I believe that you and I have always had a special bond, that we have always been close. I try, always, to be someone you trust, to be your mom, but also your friend. I scold you when you need it, talk to you about life and always try to let you know that you can confide in me about anything.

After our fight, I find myself scared. I am scared that our bond is damaged beyond repair. I am scared that I have pushed you away, made you feel like you have no one to turn to anymore. I was accused of not caring about anyone but myself. On that point, I really do have to disagree. I care about you, and your siblings, more than most mothers probably do. You know why this is. I spend each day in fear of something happening to all of you. I spend each day with you in my thoughts. I love you, and care about you with every fiber of my being! Please don't ever doubt that! I know you are really good at holding grudges and holding onto your anger. I just hope that your anger with me doesn't last, that we can overcome it. You are my first rainbow baby, the first child I gave birth to after the death of your big sister. My fears for you have always been the greatest!

Bugs, you are my everything! I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me for not being the mom that you deserve. I really am trying my best! You all are my heart!! I love you darling girl!

Love,

Mom