I Am... an Adult Child of Alcoholism

After leaving years of pain behind me when I turned 18, and hoping to follow a path that led to happiness and fulfillment, I found myself even more lost at 28, 10 years later. I now had a family of my own, lots to be proud of, a promising future with one thing holding me back. I was an adult child of alcoholism. The one thing I ran from, only came back to haunt me in my future. I had bouts of depression, and struggled severely with anxiety. I questioned myself constantly, to the point of exhaustion. I found myself sitting in front of trained professionals, hoping they could tell me what was causing this pain I felt. How can I make it go away? Am I just crazy? After sitting in front of therapist after therapist, I finally found one that brought to my attention the many characteristics I have as a result of my dysfunctional alcoholic home as a child. The many years of uncertainty, of self doubt, of teasing, and of abuse, had formed my flawed self. From birth until 18 years of age, I had developed coping mechanisms to survive this painful experience. Unfortunately, these coping mechanisms are still present and have caused many issues in my adult life.

I grew up wanting to make my alcoholic mother proud of me, or to even just acknowledge me. I came home everyday from school to drunk, nasty mom, or happy drunk mom, angry mom, too many anti depressants mom, agitated mom, loving mom, or anxious mom. There was never a normal day. I walked home from school everyday hoping for the best. Unfortunately, the best was rarely what I encountered. Most of the time, I came home to verbal abuse, and to my drunken mother staggering from side to side. On several occasions, I was also exposed to my mother's self harm, which has ultimately given me flashbacks, even up to this point. Now in my adult life, I seek perfection. Supper always on time, never late for an appointment, and kids always behaving perfectly. These things don’t actually happen all the time for anyone. My cognitive mind tells me to keep everything in line, hopefully to prevent something from happening, like my mother's drinking. I’m still my childhood self, trying my best to be perfect so my mother will choose me instead of the bottle. I’ve still somehow managed to cater to my abusive, alcoholic mother, through perfectionism, even though she is no longer present in my life. I’ve also developed a pattern of mind reading, believing something bad will happen when it actually doesn’t. My younger, 8 year old self, coming home from school used mind reading to prepare for the worst scenario possible upon entering those doors to “home.”

My older, 28 year old self, doesn’t fend well with predicting the worst case scenario all the time, as those scenarios have disappeared, but my coping mechanisms have not. I’m trapped inside my childhood, seeking approval from those who hurt me, preparing for the worst, and just wanting to be someone else. After many years of guilt and issues I don’t even know how to explain, I finally realize why. Why I am who I am. I’ve taken everything I’ve been through, all the trauma, the pain, the guilt and I’ve turned it into something good. I believe I’m a good mom, and I try my hardest to not be like my parents. I do struggle severely with social anxiety, and I know my own mother did as well. I never had anyone show up to my Christmas concerts, or graduations. My friends were always waving to their parents in the audience while I was just there, looking around for no one, hoping my friends wouldn’t notice I had no parent there watching. It was always heartbreaking. I understand my mom's struggle, as I still find it hard to dress myself and head out the door for my kid's Christmas concerts, parent teacher, or anything public. For a while, I would sometimes vomit before heading out the door. My husband working away also makes it harder. It’d be just a bit easier having someone to go with, but most times I don’t have that option, so I struggle through my inner fear and wear a big, bright smile while doing the mommy thing.

I will say, it’s been a battle. Some days I’m proud of myself, for breaking the circle. For ending alcoholism in my family. There’s one thing I’ve learned from my childhood, and that’s what not to do, and I am thankful for that. I will say, some days still tend to be harder than others, today being one of them. But I do continue to fight. I may hurt a lot on the inside, but I do still smile at strangers, compliment people randomly, and try to be helpful to others. Life would be so wonderful if we just all understood that everyone’s hurting in some way, but there’s so many things we can do to make it better. I remember being young, and being teased daily at school. I grew up in a small town, and my mom was the town drunk, therefore I got teased for it. Not many kids did, but there were a few kids that stood up for me when I was being bullied for something that wasn’t my fault. I still remember those kids, and how thankful I was that someone understood. I make it a huge point now to teach my children the effects of bullying. I’ve told them of the struggles I’ve faced growing up, how I felt being teased, and how it still affects me. I’ve told them that if they ever see a kid being picked on because of something he or she can’t control, or that isn’t even their fault, to pick up for them. I know of a few occasions where they have done just that, and it makes my heart warm. I hope they can spread love to other classmates and people who need it, just like I needed it. The world needs more of these people.