I Am a Childless Mother

Nothing is more exciting or more terrifying than seeing those two blue lines of a positive pregnancy test. Your mind starts to race, joy, fear, uncertainty, and love are some of the emotions that start to take over as you think about the future. You start to think about the little things: boy or girl, will it look like me or my partner, what will they be when they grow up, will I be a good parent? Then you think about the big things: how will we afford things like food, diapers, and clothes, how will we pay for collage, what morals and lessons will be best to teach for a happy and successful life?

So many different thoughts run through the mind when you find out you are going to be a mother or father. One thought that does not cross your mind (unless you have already experienced it) is what if I lose this little soul I carry. What if something goes wrong. What if I never see their face, hear their voice or cry, their smile, their eyes.

I was so excited when I saw those two lines. I started running names through my mind, plans for the future, things I would teach, stories I would tell, and songs I would sing. I set the appointment to go to the doctor to hear the heartbeat and see just how far along I was. I woke that morning with so much hope and love, I never could have imagined. I arrived at the doctor's office nervous in the most excited way, went into the room and laid down while being looked and smiled at by the doctor; who seemed just as excited as I was. Watching the doctor's face as she moved the ultrasound wand around looking for my little one, I watched her face change.

A serious look crossed her face, a sadness in her eyes as she turned to me. "I am so sorry..." she started. Her voice drifted off in my mind as she continued her sentence. "I am not finding a heartbeat." she paused for a moment as a look of confusion and sadness started to take over my joyful/smiling face. "We need to talk about the possibility of a miscarriage." The words echoed in my head, like being in a wonderful dream that suddenly turns to a nightmare. My baby was gone.

It has been 10 years now since that life changing day. The pain still just as real as the day I heard the words. My heart and soul morphed the day I saw those lines, I was a mother. I now had the heart and soul of a mother. A few short weeks later, it morphed again, I was a childless mother.

I found out a couple years later that I have a medical condition: Endometriosis. A condition that many woman around the world suffer from, some never even know, some still have children, and some, some never will carry a successful pregnancy.

I lost my baby, never to become pregnant again. Never to hold nor look upon the face of the soul I carried. To pure for this world. I am here to say to any woman who has suffered this loss: You are still a mother. Being a mother to an angel is the hardest job of all. Giving your child to God to care for, rather than yourself, is the most intense pain I have ever experienced.

But, in my soul, in my heart, I am a mother. I feel like a mother. I mourn my child. I love my child. I am a childless mother.