How We Survived

You were supposed to be my forever. We weren't supposed to split up. We had the perfect family from the outside looking in. Yes we had our ups and downs just like any relationship, but we took a vow to be there for each other and stay with each other no matter what.

I know you hated I didn't work, but I always brought money into the home somehow someway just to help. When I did work it was too much to ask for your help at home and so things of course piled up. Which of course was my fault for not being able to work full time and take care of everything at home including our children. I would get in so much trouble for having to call in, because one of the kids was sick and it was too much for you to take off even though you had the sick time at work.

After five years of you leaving for a couple days to a month at a time, I couldn't do it anymore. I was turned into a hollow shell of who I once was. I never knew what mood you were in so I kept my mouth shut and my eyes lowered just hoping I would go unnoticed and not tick you off again. I still tried to love you and stay with you. I tried for our children, for our families, and friends.

I won't ever forget the morning I woke up and checked your messages. I saw the way you talked to her in person and ignored it, because we were trying. But I guess it took me reading what you told you for me to wake up. That morning you woke up and told me you didn't know if you wanted to be with me anymore. I agreed to back off and let you figure it out. It took 3 weeks, 3 long and miserable weeks, of me trying to pretend everything was perfectly normal for our children.

Do you know how hard it is to try to find a job while your world is falling out from under you? While two young children sit there and look to you for comfort and love, and you are just trying to be their rock through this all. The night you told me you were done and you walked out I knew it was the last time, and you weren't coming back.

I still remember you telling our 5 year old son he was the man of the house now and he needed to take care of me. Oh boy did I let you have it after hearing that. It still boils my blood to think about it. Plus it took me a few weeks to get him to realize I am the one that is supposed to be taking care of him.

The day after you left it hit me, I had still no job, rent was coming due, no money coming in, and two young children looking at me for security. I am thankful I had the landlord I did, because I explained everything to him and he allowed me a month to get my belongings out. But I still had nowhere to go. Friends offered rooms, but I couldn't accept them, because I had no clue how long I would be there, plus I had my two children with me. That's when I received a call from a member of the church I was attending at the time. She helped me get into the local shelter.

Boy oh boy was I scared to go. I had no clue what to expect or what laid ahead for us. The first night was the worst. I got a total of two hours of sleep followed by crying, because I was scared. For someone who always has a plan and kind of knows what's next, this was just an earth shattering experience. As the days went on the kids and I got into a routine, which helped make things easier. After being at the shelter a week, I finally landed a job.

It wasn't the best job, it was long hours working at a busy doctor's office. This was the first time in a year I had worked full time and it was hard being away from my kids. I still woke up every morning at 5am to get everyone ready and off to where we all needed to be. After getting the job I found an apartment. It was perfect for us. Still we were delayed moving for a few weeks and all I wanted was our own space.

Finally being able to move was the greatest feeling in the world. It was a feeling of this is ours and we are ok. Our busy new life didn't seem to ever slow down. Between work, court, and everything needing to be done at home, I don't know if I ever slept more than 6 hours. The only thing that kept me going during the dark times were my children.

Divorce is never easy. No matter if you feel like you have a plan in place for just in case or not. I am thankful my ex husband didn't try to take our children or fight me on when he gets to see them. Our children still feel the hurt of our divorce and it's hard sometimes, but they know I am always here for them. Now to see where this next chapter of my life takes me.